There are so many shifts and transformations that color this past year for me. I am learning. Taking big steps and baby steps.
The biggest change is allowing anxiety around finances to just be, sitting with it, reaching out for help, enriching my support network, listening, facing, communicating, trying, failing, trying again, moving forward.
I am changing attitudes around the concept failure and success.
Q: When faced with impending success or the threat of failure, how do you respond?
A: Success: With relief. Failure: More work, fast.
– Twyla Tharp
I am changing attitudes around the concept of debt. I’m still in debt. But this is different from before. This is a paradigm shift around the meaning I place on it, allowing whatever emotion arises.
Yet still I struggle with the same old anxieties around money. I am taking steps, mind you, but my anticipated financial overhaul/debt consolidation will be “delayed” for a few months as I wait until late Spring for the value of my home to increase to make the overhaul have any significant significance. I say “delayed” with quotation marks for I sense I use that word because a voice in me constantly “encourages” me (annoyingly) to avoid taking any other action now that is just as helpful as a financial overhaul.
But I cannot delay any longer! I’ve said it before: Only by accepting that all is ok in this moment, no matter where all the accounts stand, can I weigh those options, make bold moves, and ALLOW CHANGE. It’s time to manage the moola…
But what I have done now, that is different from before, is that I have accepted to REALLY ACKNOWLEDGE what steps I need to take to allow for more income by following the direction of where my soul flows– the soul-lifting areas with incredible expansion potential- and to move away from the areas where I am only treading water and losing energy because of it.
I am too old to not take the “risk,” to not answer the call and to not give these opportunities I find myself in everything they deserve. IT’S TIME. These new opportunities deserve my FULL ME.
[Resistance is] any act which disdains short-term gratification in favor of long-term growth, health or integrity. Or, expressed another way, any act that derives from our higher nature instead of our lower. Any act of these types will elicit Resistance.
And I embrace that, despite the tendency of being hard on myself for being in the struggle, EVERYTHING I have experienced to this point is actually empowering me!
EVERYTHING. The shit and the sunshine, as my Dad would say.
So what am I actually feeling when I am fearing? Fear is just old triggers reminding me of getting report cards in school and feeling judged and feeling stupid and never good enough. Fear is just the increased blood pressure pushing blood through my veins a little faster.
Fear is my heart beating loudly, stuck at the starter gate [resistance], desperate for the signal to break free and RUN!
Well I howl now!
Out of the starter gate. Jumping off the cliff. Forming wings on the way down.