I’m back in a stall- some kind of school washroom… #dream #innercritic

I used to have a recurring dream— it started in my adolescence and continued into my early 40’s-

I would dream that I was getting ready for dance class and changing in a public bathroom stall– it would be at a university pool, or at a community centre, or at a school- but it would always be the grossest toilet stall– and I would try to get my pink tights on without getting them dirty on the gross, disgusting, piss and shit and hair covered floor.  Anxiety sweat dripping off my forehead.

This dream repeated for years and years.

Then suddenly, one night, I had a dream that I brought a bucket of hot water, a cloth and a big bottle of Pinesol into the stall and I scrubbed that stall spotless.

And I never had the dirty bathroom dream again.

Until two nights ago.

I’m back in a stall- some kind of school washroom…  I recall someone had called me disgusting, so I ran into the stall to hide and, yes, to change.  I’m barefoot, and the floor is not only covered in shit and piss and hair, but now also oozing with a brown sludge, slimy, slippery mother-fucking sludge.  And I just slip and slip and try to hold myself up and whisper, please, oh please, please, oh please.


Basically, bathroom dreams may be addressing your need to relieve yourself emotionally and/or psychologically. [source]

I know the inner critic/child has been reawakened lately.  The little girl inside has been loud.  And looking for love.  She’s nagging at me, tugging- clouding my ability to think straight and she seems to not want to trust that I am on the right path.

20140618-194134-70894104

Everyone has an inner child but the majority of us remain oblivious to what it is.  Whenever we miss out listening to our inner voice we have a tendency to encounter trouble and face conflict.   After we know about our inner child, we are responsible for our own mess and, consequently, start to clear our own mind.  This is a message of this dream, that it is time to clear away the old, to make way for the new.   If this is a repeating dream, then inner work with our inner child is a necessary part of one’s life.   When one is too busy, or disinclined, to heal ourselves, that’s when the dirty toilet dreams start to appear. [source]

So I am taking more time to clarify and ensure that decisions I make now and directions I take are best for me.  To just take a breath and follow the heart.  I will sit down in the muck, hold my inner child, and listen.  Then it is bath time for both of us and reintegration.  And I will remind her that I am pretty spectacular and deserve good things and success– and that I won’t deny her or shush her, but love her and embrace her and maybe she’ll finally trust me and open doors for me to sustainable and sustained success.

11-une-premiere1
Pastel on wood (interpretation of Anders Zorn’s Une Premiere)

 

Opened TextEdit to find a surprise note to self…

 

11378010_985670941478096_933743265_n
Frida and the Chakras

Prepping for a session tonight with young women, around the theme of sisterhood using collage techniques, I opened TextEdit to collect pertinent quotes that may inspire dialogue tonight.

An untitled document opened with a note I wrote to myself from my future self last year.

Dear me,

You now stand fully naked, fully present, fully you.  Gone are the shackles that pulled you downwards into self-doubting, crippling anxiety.  No longer do you hesitate before expressing.  But most importantly, no longer do you collapse in shame and doubt after you expressed yourself.  

Speaking your truth used to cause you to feel like you were choking on amniotic fluid.  Felt like it came at a price.  

Now you can breathe in and breathe out with open mouth, open nostrils, open sinuses, open throat, open heart, open eyes, open mind without fear.  

You release your truth, your art, your work onto and into the world and receive back the conversations/communications with an open and fearless heart- a heart that is ready to dialogue.  

Your work used to require boundaries.  Your life used to comprise of self-imposed boundaries to protect your heart from rejection and loss.  But now you are boundless.  And so the work you have built on awakening creative expression in others- a gift you truly were born with and have worked so tirelessly to deliver- takes on a new level on a global scale.  You are not in need of accolades.  You are simply expressing, thereby allowing others to feel the same freedom.  It need no longer be frontline work (in person), it is a new principle and way of living.  

Full presence.  

You have taken all the heartache, all the joy, all the blood and guts of life and built a mission and vision that has created true abundance.  

You will never be anxiety-free and you will never not have heart-shattering challenges, but you now have a giant delicious toolbox with which to meet those challenges and easily process, die into them and rebirth from them.  You are truly living with ease.  

All is as it should be.  

Congratulations.  

Love, me 

Recall Peter’s pep talk: “THE BOOK WILL BE A SUCCESS. THERE IS NO OTHER POSSIBLE CONCLUSION TO THIS. ALLOW THE SUCCESS TO HAPPEN.  CONFIDENCE.”

What a lovely surprise to find this note on this lovely day.  We can be our own worst enemies, but also our own best friends.

Dedicated to my dear mentor/agent/friend, Peter Breeze:

Screen Shot 2016-01-26 at 10.46.07 AM

pb