I get this ways sometimes.

Ever get this way? Staring at your to do list, and not moving?

Feels like a slow bleed, but the blood is flowing backwards causing a brain sting.

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I get this ways sometimes. Trying to figure out too many things and struggling with feeling useless and unproductive, even strangely irresponsible, yet knowing I deserve just some time to stop.  Especially at this stage in my life.

It’s ok.

My overactive, stinging mind and my weary heart compete for who can most distract me from simply celebrating self.  Being responsible for just myself.

Tonight, I sit a little stunned, knowing I need to make some seemingly big shifts.

But maybe the shifts can be big through small steps?

If I am not going to catch up on reporting tonight, I can at least answer one email from an anxious student.

If I am not working research materials tonight, I can at least watch Escape from Dannemora.

If I am not going to work on the screenplay tonight, then I should simply just write something, anything.  Like this blog entry.

If I am not going to work on the illustration project that I need to get finished this week, I must at least sew on a drawing.

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If I am not setting up inquiry meetings about career shifts, I can check in with my vision boards.

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And trust.

 

 

 

 

JOURNAL EXERCISE: Taking charge

JOURNAL EXERCISE: Taking charge

How are you taking charge of your life?  How are you taking responsibility for you?

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Write it out:

Exciting times as I take the next steps in my life.  I mind-mapped it out, made the decision, circled the date on the calendar and now executing the plan.  

I’m taking the “risk” to dive fully into a free and creative life, come what may. Diving fully into MY LIFE and moving away from frontline service providing.  At age 51, with grown kids and a full, intense and beautiful past, I am taking the advice of my father and taking charge of me. 

I am responsible for me.

I am allowing the old triggers and guilt to ride through my body as physical symptoms, not anymore than that.  I dialogue it out with my support network and let the tears flow as need be.  

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Decision is a risk rooted in the courage of being free. – Paul Tillich

Tomorrow is one year to the day that my father and I pressed send to the publisher.  We celebrated by a cheer and signing our names in our favorite book.  Dad passed away 10 days later.

One year later, my heart is full of gratitude from his teachings.  “Just do it.”  I have been moving towards my new future ever since.

Responsibility garden… #journalexercise

I am taking charge of my own life.  All the seeds have been planted.  The shoots are healthy.  And growing.  It’s time for me to tend my own garden.

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In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility. 
― Eleanor Roosevelt

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This weekend, I plan to create a new type of mindmap- a responsibility garden drawing where each flower is an item to be dealt with or a goal to be reached.  To embrace the beauty of self-responsibility.