Look up Hans Fallada “The Drinker” and “Everyman Dies Alone”
Anna is almost done. Time for Whole Foods and an opening tonight.
There is a lady sleeping in the lounge chair beside me. Obviously recovering from her cancer treatment. Recall the delicate beauty of mom as she took such care to dress beautifully and do makeup right up until after her last Thanksgiving. Then she let go and so did we. I still have her hair curlers/comb/purse/cell phone etc. What does it all mean?
We walked home then out to Sushi Rocks (after visiting Leftovers and buying a horn). Great dinner. Then Whole Foods (after running into Anna’s co-worker Ashley). Grocery shopping then just got back. Talked to Morf (who had gotten a funny phonecall from us by accident as we were hugging in the airport!) (now going to The Social Network).
It’s almost been 2 years since mom passed away. I have never really written about those last moments. For they were not “last.” But all of a sudden– Mom’s powerful presence in our life changed. I felt her breathe out. Her heart slowed and stopped. I was there with my head on her chest. And we surrounded her with love and support and her spirit infused us. It is actually impossible to grasp. How does life continue after that? And is it OK to actually feel free and perhaps free-er? Heart
I miss just talking to Mom. Just about the kids and laundry and food and life. I miss the chatter and the camaraderie and the “I get it” and the simple stuff. We could talk about kids.
I miss my own childhood. The safety + fun or being the kid.
I promised myself I would start this journal at the aiport on my way to visit Anna. It will be a place to process grief. A place to address loss and allow myself to sit with it and move forward. The key is to stay free.
My theme: “and then there was none.”
Met Anna at the airport!
Took BART to Westfield mall. Walked to Anna’s apartment. Changed. Ate at a cute little place [Farm Table]. Now Anna is at work and I spent $ on myself on clothes. Typical me stuff.
Feeling anxious as I already miss Anna even tho I’m here.
It’s over and I miss their childhood, my mom, my innocence. I do not miss my marriage. Is that bad?
A year ago she left the nest and Julian is growing and working. Wow. “And then there was none.” I must take time to grieve and celebrate my new role as mom.