My Diary, 1977 SÖDERTÄLJE– translated from Swedish, word for word, unabridged, sic, ad nauseum
Recall first post: My Diary 1977
For January 1977 go to: Snippets from my 1977 Diary, Part 1, January
For February 1977 go to: Snippets from my 1977 Diary, Part 2 February
For March 1977 go to: Snippets from my 1977 Diary Part 3, March
For April 1977 go to: Snippets from my 1977 Diary Part 4, April- The Audition
For May 1977 go to: Snippets from my 1977 Diary Part 5 May- Paris
For June 1977 go to: Snippets from my 1977 Diary Part 6 June- Graduation
I have written a letter to the elderly lady, Elna Järnebrand. And I painted a little picture for her. I told you I save all pictures of ballet that I can find. I hope she sends me a picture. That sounds kind of selfish. Shame on me. I hope she likes the painting.
I am rather tired of the train. Rather? Much! The stations go by: Rönninge, Tumba, Tullinge, Huddinge, Stuvsta, Älvsjö, Stockholms Söder, and then Stockholms Central. The train continues on to Märsta. It’s enough to drive you nuts. But it is a good system with the monthly card and all. But it gets rather tedious.
Another day has gone by. It doesn’t seem like summer at all. It just rains and rains. And I get more and more pale and soon we’ll be wearing hats and mittens again.
I want to gain strength in my legs so that I can extend them high. Today we were horses and that was fun.
I wonder if there is anyone out there that thinks I am cute and who feels the same way about me as I do about Steven. I wonder how all this will play out in Canada.
Björn Borg won Wimbledon today against Jim Connors. I wanted Björn to win the whole time. Yesterday was the semi-finals and Björn had a rough time. I put my hands together in prayer and whispered “Björn, win” and looked at him the whole time and then it went better and he won! I did the same thing today when he struggled and it went better and he won! Then I felt sorry for Jim Connors. I think he looks so good when he plays tennis. In the paper they did a caricature of him with a large nose. Silly. I wonder if I really helped Björn. It worked for Björn and it worked for Ingemar Stenmark. Next time Björn plays I will do the same thing. Also when Connors plays. But not if he is playing against Björn. I have gotten totally interested in tennis.
Mom, Dad and I were in town today shopping and a car full of guys pulled up. They were staring at me quite a bit. I wondered why. Then, darn it, I saw that Lars B. was in the car. He laughed and waved at me and I smiled back. He stared at me the whole time as they drove away. I wonder if they thought I was cute. In a way, I hope so. Sounds silly. I called Catharina. She is going to Germany in 3 weeks. Tomorrow I will jog. I will! I have decided. I am too fat. I feel fat fat fat.
Tomorrow I am going to Morfar’s funeral. He will be cremated. I wonder what it will be like. I will bring a flower. Nilla is going too. I would never have dared until Mom convinced me to go. Now I have to stop. Good Night!
PS. Peo Hallgren was my biggest love when we lived in Sweden when I was younger. I always fought with Anki about him. But I don’t dare to talk to him now about love. He is so funny. He is always up to mischief. I wonder if he likes me. He may like Ann-Christine more, because she is more outgoing. He and I used to be pen pals and ended our letters with kisses. I am going to send him a letter when we move and see if he sends anything back. I hope so. Oh, Peo. I love you.
We are leaving soon. How will it be?
Now I am back [from the funeral]. It was strange, creepy and wonderful at the same time. The priest was female and she wore a cape. She mumbled some psalms in the beginning. Then she really got into it. We laid roses on the coffin. I placed a bouquet on it. We had to sing. Nilla and I couldn’t keep from laughing. Terrible. Mom and Siv laughed too. It looked like we were crying. Brolle and Dad were serious. I admired them for that. Now Morfar will be cremated. We will take him up north later on for burial of the ashes. Rest in peace.
Today we had pointe class. It was really hard. I felt dumb. Not dumb. Bad. I am not talented enough to do deboullés and balance and all that. There is a girl I am enthralled with. Her name is Ewa W. and she is in Eva and Lotta’s class. She is very talented and sure of herself. She attends Ellen Rasch’s school. She has such a presence. Ellen has arranged a job for her at Oscar’s. I will not be jealous. She has danced a lot longer than me. This is my sixth year. Tomorrow I will try harder.
I never swear. In the last while, I have started saying “darn.” I don’t think that is so bad. I can say swear words to myself. They are only words. But still. Today I actually said that Fredrik was “pissed off” because I didn’t make him an ice cream cone. I said that to Majlis. I am so ashamed. It just leaked out. But it isn’t that bad. They are only words. Who cares? Me! Oh well. I think it will be quite a while before I swear in English. Those words are so gross. [Well, that sure changed.]
I don’t dare to go to a school dance, as I can’t dance. How stupid I am! Of course I can dance! Easy as pie. But I can’t relax. I wonder if a guy will like me. It seems like that is the only thing I think about. I want to try to get high marks at school. I will try hard. I wonder if I am gifted as a dancer.
I didn’t get to dance en pointe today. My knee was hurting me. The teacher will help me tomorrow. I hope. She told me you have to have your knee lined up with your toes, or else it will cause damage. It was a bad day: first the pointe guard fell off. Then my heel elastic broke. I put a rubber band around my foot and it snapped. Then the blister on my big toe broke. And then the knee hurt. No wonder I couldn’t take part in the class! Before I left she said, “Hope your knee feels better tomorrow.” I hope so. I want to be able to extend my leg high in developpé. Good night.
We were at Skärgården today. Nåttarö Island. Orwald’s have rented a cabin there. Fredrik will stay with them for 2 weeks. It is glorious there. There are no cars there. The store is a little cottage. The water is clear. You get there by boat from Nynäshamn. It takes 35 minutes. Fredrik called tonight and he is having a good time. He misses us a little bit. I want to go there and visit him.
I am awaiting a letter from Steven. I hope he got the letter. It would be so great if he wrote to me. I should call his bother Thomas to get his address. Do I dare? I should dare, as I will never see him again. Fredrik teases me about Steven. I guess that is fair as I dream about Steven every night. Not dream… think. And I don’t have any defense against Fredrik’s teasing. But there is Agnetha. Fredrik has a crush on her. Wanted to get a picture of her. So cute. I dream that I will meet Steven at a basketball tournament in Vancouver and we meet and click click click and all that jazz. Oh well. Good night.
Didn’t write yesterday as I had a headache and had to miss ballet class, even though it was supposed to be the last day. I have bought Ann Parson a troll candle and I made her a card. I hope she likes it. Today Maud and I were in Gamla Stan. We walked and walked and walked. I bought a little midsummer pole, a Holly Hobbie memo pad, and an address book. It looks like you, diary, but pink. I have to ask Parson for her address tomorrow. I am in the mood to dance.
Yesterday, Maud was here and we walked all day in the forest with Milton. We sat on a cliff and had a picnic, while Milton ran around loose. It was wonderful. I have gotten quite tanned. Maud gave me a lovely bracelet. Looks like an ID bracelet. It says “Katarina” on it, and has a pink rose on it. Maud has one too. It means friendship. I am so happy.
Every night, before I head to sleep, I think about Steven. Steven, Steven, the whole time. I am tragically in love? I look down his street when I walk by even though I know he is in the USA. I hope he got my letter. The day before we move, I will go to his brother and ask for his address.
The last day of ballet. I talked a little to Parson. She gave me her address. “Thank you for working so hard,” she said before I left. I have gotten a Swedish dialect. Not when I talk to myself though. I suppose it’s kind of cute. I am taking a summer course for two weeks with Joelle Mazett. She is French.
Tomorrow our house will be listed for sale in the local paper. We leave either the 23rd or 24th of August.
I will call Aija and ask her to apologize to everyone at school for my shyness.
Late Thursday, Queen Silvia was taken to the hospital. It’s a princess! I am so glad. The paper had predicted a boy. So there. I attended Silvia’s wedding. She was so beautiful. I wonder what the princess will be called. They are already back at the castle. I thought you had to stay at the hospital at least a few days. There will be no public pictures of the princess for 10 days. Just found out her name- Victoria Ingrid Alice Desiree.
Last night I couldn’t sleep. I was awake the whole night. I love to sketch, so I stayed up and sketched Archie. I have a headache every day. A little one always in the background. And today I had a talk with myself. I am scared that the tumor is cancerous, but I don’t think it is, as then it would be growing faster. It’s probably a lymph gland.
Dad just got back from Scotland. He gave me a beautiful big doll, a Westie figure, and a cloth with a Scottie and a Westie on it. Wonderful! We are going to buy a Scottie!
July 18 “Fredrik Dagen”
Today Maud and I were in the city. We walked and walked and walked. I bought a necklace, velvet ribbon, and a watch. I have cut my bangs. Much better. 30 kronor! I bought a ballet poster. Really nice. It just cost 3 kronor. I have to have velvet ribbon to tie my hair up, because my hair is so worn out. Gunilla and Annika work in a jeans store. We visited them. They are so nice. I bought jeans there today. Tomorrow I will jog with Milton.
It’s terrible. Horrible. I just saw an image on TV of a poor poor cat with something connected to its head and it looked terrified and didn’t know what to do with itself. STOP ANIMAL RESEARCH NOW! The poor poor animals. They can’t escape from the horrible humans. We have no right to take a living creature that can’t make its own decisions and do what we want to them. The humans should experiment on themselves. If that doesn’t work- tough luck! People are so idiotic and gross and the most terrible creatures ever created. People have no right to be on the planet. They only ruin things. The animals have the right. Stupid humans. I HATE THEM! They also decide how dogs should look. The dogs are bred so that their eyes pop out, get infections, can’t breath etc. God, we are dumb.
I have to calm down now. Candy has to be kept away from me! It’s driving me crazy! I am drowning in it! I am sitting and writing this right now with a candy in my mouth. I will throw it out now! But candy can be good now and then… ha ha.
It’s just raining and raining again. I hope it gets a little better so that I can maintain my tan before we move to Canada.
All I do is wait for a letter from Steven. But he isn’t thinking about me. I dreamt that Marianne got one from him so I thought I would get one the next day. I couldn’t wait. I think a lot about him. Can’t stop. I dream about him visiting Vancouver, contacting Linda about where I live and surprising me there. Oh wow! I am a little dumb. But hey, I have a right to feel. I don’t think I am good looking. I am ugly, ugly. Sometimes I think I look alright, but my nose. It is so big. I don’t like it.
I don’t like M.’s dad. Never have. It’s like Milton’s feelings about certain people- a sixth sense. I don’t know why I feel this way. He always has to show off and… yes… he is so silly. He always stares in that way, you know. And makes a scene. I hope M. doesn’t like her dad. My dad is so nice. And my mom. M.’s mom and my mom are actually quite similar. But our fathers are as different as can be. Her dad is strict. And he always wants things clean and tidy.
We have started pantomiming a lot. More than dancing. Soon the second summer course starts. And Maud and I are in the same class. I hope we will make it on time as the subway leaves at 8:10 AM in the morning. We’ll see. I am sure it will be fine. I don’t like the subway. Blah.
I wish I could earn some money. But it is too late now to get a summer job. I bought dog shampoo today. It reminds me of my work experience at the dog kennel last year. I want to write a book about ballet. I feel like doing research and things like that. I will read my French magazine so that I can practice my French.
I got a really nice coat yesterday. I need to get jeans. I just buy and buy and buy. I have strong guilt feelings.
Yesterday we were in town shopping. All of a sudden, unexpectantly, someone said hi to me. It was Mikael A. He has such a nice and kind face. I said hi back very naturally. It felt good for once to not be tense and for him to have said it first. I didn’t notice him at first so he really meant it; otherwise they usually avoid me so that they don’t have to say hi.
I have bought stovepipe pants with pockets on the side. They suit my new coat very much.
Boy, it is a sin to be as ugly as I am. When I look in the mirror, I practice what I should look like when I laugh, etc. without looking ugly. I hate it when I am natural and then see myself in the mirror and see the world’s largest nose that would break the world record for the largest potato.