A reminder that sometimes it is OK to do less.

I have been slow all day– I am trying to allow myself time to stop without guilt, to allow this feeling of weariness, this reminder that sometimes it is OK to do less.

What is this weariness?  Yes, I am recouping from a flu and yes, I have many multiple projects going at once, yes I have a long to-do and commitments, but is not physical, no, it is this familiar feeling of saudade.

Saudade is a unique Portuguese word that has no immediate translation in English.  Saudade describes a deep emotional state of nostalgic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves.  It often carries a repressed knowledge that the object of longing will never return.  It’s related to the feelings of longing, yearning.  

Saudade is the recollection of feelings, experiences, places or events that once brought excitement, pleasure, well-being, which now triggers the senses and makes one live again…  It can be described as an emptiness and the individual feels this absence…  In fact, one can have ‘saudades’ of someone whom one is with, but have some feeling of loss towards the past or the future.

I look at my to-do lists and I sigh.  I walk to the kitchen to make myself some coffee and it is an overwhelming feat today.

I have a precious day at home alone to catch up, but I really just want to sit.  To sit in this emotion, hang out with my parrot, and feel nostalgia.  To go inward, to regain some energy to move forward.  To embrace missing as a gift/reminder to rest.

I tried though- went back at my computer, preparing to write a letter, and as I was searching online for something specific, I came across an old blog post I wrote in 2013.  And I knew, this old post was a reminder again to stop today, to allow the feeling of saudade.  

Look who is saying hello in that old post!  How precious to see my dog Tobey (who passed away Dec 23, 2015), walking in the forest. 

A walk in the forest August 31, 2013.

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A GIFT.  So I share this here, pack my bags for tomorrow and STOP for the day- for sometimes it is OK to do less.

“About five years ago I saw a mockingbird make a straight vertical descent from the roof gutter of a four-story building.  It was an act as careless and spontaneous as the curl of a stem or the kindling of a star.

The mockingbird took a single step into the air and dropped.  His wings were still folded against his sides as though he were singing from a limb and not falling, accelerating thirty-two feet per second per second, through empty air.  Just a breath before he would have been dashed to the ground, he unfurled his wings with exact, deliberate care, revealing the broad bars of white, spread his elegant, white-banded tail, and so floated onto the grass.  I just rounded a corner when his insouciant step caught my eye; there was no one else in sight.  The fact of his free fall was like the old philosophical conundrum about the tree that falls in the forest.  The answer must be, I think, that beauty and grace are performed whether or not we will or sense them.  The least we can do is try to be there.

– Annie Dillard, Pilgrim at Tinker Creek

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CHECK OUT THE POWER PATH:

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In harmony with the currents of life… #jellyfish

I was contemplating the word acceptance this evening and decided to look up symbolism.

I came across a charming reference to the jellyfish:

Jellyfish’s medicine includes – sensitivity to water energy (emotions), understanding of the value of floating rather than swimming through trying emotional times, proper use of softness (not being rigid), ability to become untangled from the webs of peril in life, acceptance and faith…

These are the only creatures that rely on movement for the sustenance of their lives – they have almost no ability to move on their own, depending oceans currents and the directions of the wind to move it on the way that it must go.

As they move in harmony with the currents of life, they show to us how to flow with the natural forces of Mother Earth…

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I just had to sketch.

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The transparency of the jellyfish teaches the inner source within each of us. We have an enormous amount of power within us to draw upon. We can turn on the light even in the depths of darkness through the wisdom the jellyfish. It often shows up just when you believe there is no hope left.

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Getting out of my own way.

I was down and dark in January- been down and dark before- but this time I was dipping down a little too low.  I am blessed that I was able to communicate that to my nearest and dearest and have the difficult conversations and be met with love and support.

I want to be here.  To LIVE- fully.  To be fully PRESENT.  To be gentle, detached, full of love.  To bear witness to LIFE/DEATH and all in between.  To enjoy being part of the evolution and unfolding of my children’s and extended family’s lives.

But, hey, certain struggles continue- tempt me to dip down.

I found out yesterday morning that my three grant applications for arts based programming were denied.

So what do I do with that?

I acknowledge that my own fears and internal voices come up around the NOW.  Tap, tap, tap.  Let’s take that dip.  How do I make this work?  What is wrong with me?  Spin spin spin.  Block, block, block.  Resist, resist, resist.

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Well- I refuse this time to let that be a reason to attack myself.  It has been my pattern all my life.  And I am sick of it!

So instead- I celebrate the heart of those three grant applications and the process spent writing them.  And I celebrate the incredible programs that did receive the grants and the life-changing programming they deliver.

And I honor that Universe, spirit, magic, life, whatever, is continuing to steer me in a new more powerful smoother path.

And I can no longer allow myself to block the path with old habits of self-criticizing.  So I am getting out of my own way.

How?

Through surrender.

IF I RESIST THE “OBSTACLES” THAT WE HUMANS CALL IN, THEN THEY PERSIST. BUT WHEN I EMBRACE THEM, WHEN I SURRENDER TO THEM AND LET THEM BE, THEN EVEN THOUGH THEY MAY CAUSE MORE SUFFERING, THEY WILL INEVITABLY ALSO BRING WITH THEM THE MEDICINE.- Terry Tsipouras

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I am allowed to dream, think, plan BIG!  Allowed to not just hope I can do this; I am allowed to state I CAN DO THIS.  I DESERVE THIS.  I AM DOING THIS.

 

I am on a path- MY PATH.  And I am walking it now, surrendering to it, not blocking it.

With the help of some tools of course.

Like the Power Path monthly check in (introduced to me quite awhile back by Patti Henderson, my sweet soul sister).  It is a beautiful tool that empowers you, gives some nice simple advice and just helps gather your thoughts.

On March 23, my daughter and I checked in on the Power Path March forecast again and mind mapped it out while we dialogued.

And lo and behold there was the reminder: get out of your own way:

 

 

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POWER IT UP! FIRE IT UP!

Love Katarina

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Rather than being consumed by worry, I chose to be curious instead. – Gail Brenner

 

Slingshot: limbo anticipation? #journal #ramblings

I’ve been mulling over the slingshot image for a few days now.

I have been recognizing a darkness and a certain kind of fatigue in the air of late.

In many in my circle.

Certainly in me.

I feel like I am being pulled backward, downwards– just when I thought I had it all figured out and knew what the plan was.

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…the clarity of what’s to come is just beyond our reach… – The Power Path

Being pulled back into revisiting so many triggers from the past.

Strangely reconnecting with so many people from way back.

Weighed down by the same old fears…

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The bills are piling up, but no money is coming in. Or maybe your baby left you, walked right out. Perhaps you’ve made an epic mistake, with disastrous and irrevocable consequences. You can barely breathe, suffocated by the unwieldy weight of your own broken heart.

You frantically scan the landscape, looking for clues or any kind of lifeline. But the vista is barren. You’re shredded into a million bewildering pieces. You’re hanging on for sweet life. Or maybe you don’t know what you’re hanging on to anymore, or if you even can.

This is survival mode. And it will be okay. – Rebelle Society

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Realizing though that all this pulling back to the past

all this imagery and memory-

is about reviewing

to be able to say

alright, that’s not serving me anymore.  Though it was HEARTFELT and AMAZING, DRAINING and DEEP- I am ready to unravel myself from it.  

To suture up.  To prepare for next launch.

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I am pulled taut.

Another life is set.

Is this limbo?  Or anticipation?

This is the time for complete surrender.

Time to shoot past the past the past… SLINGSHOT!

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Whenever I feel overwhelmed or out of balance I turn to my version of The Slingshot Principle. It’s simply a reminder that in order to fly forward, often we need to first pull back. Just like a slingshot, the real power and velocity comes from being stretched and pulled… but in a backwards motion.

It’s that backwards motion that is the hardest direction for us to go but vitally important if we are to create momentum, speed and forward progress. – Daniel Decker, The Slingshot Principle

Part 27 daily journal workshop. SHUT YOUR EYES AND SEE. #arttherapy

Shut your eyes and see. – James Joyce

What does this quote mean to you?

What does this quote mean to me?

Stop trying.

Let it happen.

By letting it go it all gets done.

Surrender.

Give up control.

Close your eyes and draw a self-portrait- imagining your pen running along your facial lines.

Growth demands a temporary surrender of security. – Gail Sheehy

Daily Journal Workshop:

JOURNAL PARTS 1 to 35

Recall Sketchbook Project: Let the Ugly Out