I use my journal as a tool to ease the mind.  A simple 10 minute visit here and there with pen and paper can do wonders.  The journal is a place to NOT have everything figured out.  The journal is a place to just be.  Warts and all.  This week, I found my mind churning on the issues of connections and disconnections.

My week’s musing:

Blank mind.  Reset.  Resignation.  Stop.  Adolescence.  Review.  Retrieve.  Wander.  Wonder.  Racing thoughts.  Scattered leaves.  Risk.  Jump.  Fall.  Fly.  Silence.  Read, read, read.

This journal is not a romantic one, visually, nor does it contain romantic machinations but is filled with notes of someone sorting their life out.  I am allowing anxiety as is and not succumbing to it, reminding myself that there are solutions to everything.  I have learned so much this year.  About self-awareness.  About boundaries especially.

There is an untying.  A handing it over.  Giving up the need to rescue.  Realizing there is no need to rescue.  No need to problem solve and find solutions.  So this is where the need for trust comes in.  Trusting the I am laying all the ducks in a row.  Opening to a new life, allowing my soul to speak.  Letting go of bandaid, ineffective ways to deal with money and refine and focus on allowing abundance.  To let go and trust.

This is a paradigm shift.  It’s time to push the process to a more mature level.  There is so much incredible creative output these days, so much developing and planning.  Now I am standing on the precipice and one can’t help but feel butterflies and hesitation.  But sometimes there is a strange sense of agoraphobia.  A disconnectedness.  When you feel nervous.  Where you only feel comfortable either walking your dog alone in an empty park, or trying to find an empty cafe to seclude yourself in.

I feel reclusive.  Maybe it’s me healing.  There have been so many major life incidents in the last 15 + years.  I am at the mercy of fate, but taking charge or it.  Who I have been in my roles as daughter, sister, wife, mother, teacher, artist has changed.  As I am in this process of really connecting with myself and my new business and ventures, am I disconnecting with my network?  I am reevaluating what role I have allowed myself to play in the relationships in my life.  I do not want to overanalyze, fix, interpret, drop back into old habits.

I am loving developing this new art house.  I am loving the lessening of anxiety despite not having everything figured out.  I am loving feeling it in my cells.  I truly feel bared and unbared.  This is truly mid-life.  Though I am well on the way down the other side of life’s staircase, I feel young and strange.  Maybe this is a new way of being,  No longer pulled in a million directions.  Focusing my focus.  It’s going to take more than a few weeks to get used to this me after 51 years of being a pleaser.

So I give myself time.

Maybe that is the disconnected feeling.

It seems as I let go, I have a new sense that I do not need to figure it out.

I was in a sinking ship financially, with not enough energy to figure out how to fix the holes.  So I let go.  Now I float.  Just me.  Floating.

What happens now?  What happens next? – Hunter S. Thompson