Unnecessary Violence and Ramblings- archiving of my Shadow Work Journals 1986 to present. Sample 14: April 20, 2013

This daily archiving series is about organizing and dating my journal collection, as well as acknowledging the self-directed violence as important therapeutic shadow work. Processing my projections and darkness.

Trying to figure it out.

How can today’s journal be 7 years ago?! How can last Saturday be a week ago already? How can it be 53 years since I stood trembling in Kindergarten?

“Time is rhythm: the insect rhythm of a warm humid night, brain ripple, breathing, the drum in my temple—these are our faithful timekeepers; and reason corrects the feverish beat.” ― Vladimir Nabokov

See:

Unnecessary Violence Project Explanation and Sample 1 Oct 21, 1992

Sample 2 Date Dec 15 1994

Sample 3 May 16, 2000

Sample 4 August 14, 2002

Sample 5 June 13, 1990

Sample 6 August 23, 2019

Sample 7 December 17, 1995

Sample 8 October 23, 1995

Sample 9 September 1, 2004

Sample 10 September 6, 1999

Sample 11 November 6, 1989

Sample 12 October 23, 2001

Sample 13 October 22, 1993

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Today: Journal Start Date April 20, 2013

Cover

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Sample Pages

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Sample Writing

April 20 2013

I hesitate to start writing probably because I don’t trust my ability to tell the story. Or even draw it out properly. All I know is I can’t feel this way anymore. The hands along the railing. The ground coming towards me. The change of heart as the wires break the fall. The sense of failure.

April 23, 2013

Was it good to leave the house today? It was actually. For the first time, I woke up with less anxiety and managed to get up early in the sun daylight and get work done at a leisurely pace. 

May 2 2013

The living room. Our relationships with the dead continue as we move on. They are still alive in us. Introduce the loss. My immediate default is to talk about Dad, but I need to talk about Mom. It is coming. 

May 26, 2013

BIG VISION: “I no longer drive around heart in throat trying to figure out where I can find money to cover debt. I am debt free. I earn more money per month than goes out. I am saving money. I am enjoying a blissful, peaceful, sorted out life.”

In this moment, in this particular Starbucks, that reality could be true. In this moment all is well. I no longer want to anticipate events. Just be.

I am starting the difficult delightful chapter, developing a financial plan. I feel that familiar sense of shame, fear, low self-esteem, lack of trust. Lack of trust that the vision will work. 

June 26 2013

Feeling like I have no skin. Feel like the boundaries have indeed eroded…

Sample Drawing

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Sample Quote

“To investigate that part of myself that refuses to take birth fully and hops about as though it still had one foot in the womb… But when the heart acknowledges how much pain there is in the mind, it turns like a mother toward a frightened child. – Stephen Levine

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So what is the relationship with the blog? It begs to show more of your life in it…

Journal entry July 20, 2019 

Sometimes I feel overwhelming sadness that has a type of mystery and release.  Perhaps it’s [binging] Queer Eye S4 that hits me in my most vulnerable low self-esteem spots, maybe it’s seeing Squeak lose weight and anticipating losing her…

Squeak

… maybe it’s the awe of knowing I am… have overcome incredible hurdles and life markers and I am at the last 20-30 years of my life [if I am lucky] and I am struck by both the relief and the unknown AND the temptation to retreat further into my cave.

I try to share creative collaboration ideas and afterwards I feel embarrassed and want to cut myself off even further.  I feel ashamed by my enthusiasm and in my heart I know it is all just a process and probably won’t result in anything anyway- so why try.  Plus I want [an] autonomy that [seemingly] clashes with my manic oversharing.

I am still “detoxing” from IG and FB.  I was feeling like I had no authentic place [there] plus was [honestly] sick of [the me] in it.

So what is the relationship with the blog? I need to make it mine again.  Ask not for whom the blog tolls, for it tolls for me.

Then I remember that I can do WHATEVER I want in my ART.  WHATEVER WHATEVER WHATEVER I want.  I can FAIL, I can SUCCEED, I can DO, I can WRITE, DRAW, CREATE whatever I… I… I want.  I can SHARE whatever I want [about me].  I can feel dumb and ashamed and excited and inspired.  And just FLOW with it.

I AM STILL HERE BREATHING, BEING

ACCEPT IT ALL

But please please please [Nina] hold your head HIGH.

And TRAVEL

And SEE

GO

LEAVE

COME BACK

Be yourself.  Be that little 2-year old finding her voice and raging and laughing with/at the world and finding your place.

You are allowed to rage, laugh, feel.

AND EXPAND.

Keep stealing and interpreting

 

Reina

See also:


 

Journal exercise: find a message in your words

Journal exercise:

1. Identify something that is blocking you from living fully and loving yourself.  

I chose my goddamn fucking ugly mug.

2. Write for several minutes on the subject or whatever comes to mind.  Just let it unfold.

“What is really perseverating in my mind is my ugly face.  I keep saying it over and over in my mind mind mind- you are ugly, you are ugly.  Being on camera really through threw me for a loop.  I even developed debilitating neuralgia and canker sores similar to way back in 1977 when I would be plagued with pain, obsessing with hating my face.  [How is it possible that I am back to age 15 staring into the mirror like some kind of narcissistic anxious troll, spitting at my own image?].  If I am to survive this next phase, and dare to step fully into me being me, I must learn to love my ugliness.  Ugly is the new beauty.  I am blessed to be able to speak, hear, taste out of this ugly beautiful face.”

3. Pull out words that pop out for you. Don’t overthink it.

CONSCIOUSNESS

PERSEVERATING

FACE

MIND

UGLY

THROUGH

LOOP

SORES

PAIN

OBSESSING

SURVIVE

STEP

BEING

UGLY

NEW

BLESSED

FACE

4. Find a message in those words that address your barrier in a positive way.

The perseverating loop pains the mind with obsessing sores. To survive step through the ugly to a new and blessed consciousness.

5. Breathe it out.  Let it go.  Be grateful for this moment.  Remember to meet it with humor. Give yourself a gift.

I see the love in her eyes. If she loves my face- a face I am so grateful for quite honestly- then surely I can love my face. One day.

Small steps.

Writing exercise.

1. Put the timer on for 10 minutes.

2. Write stream of consciousness about whatever- whatever comes out of the pen onto paper.  Keep the pen moving.

3. Review your writing- read it out loud.

4. Circle the main words- the words that stand out for you- try for about ten.  Ten key words.  Trust your gut.

5. Write the words you circled.

6. Trim them down further.

7. Read your final selection out loud.  Does it ring true?

8. Repeat daily.

Journal entry p 1

Journal entry p 2

My results:

Trust myself.  Trust me.  Trust Mom.  Her letters.  Her pain.  Her addiction.  My heart.

Journal entry p 3

I think we are well advised to keep on nodding terms with the people we used to be, whether we find them attractive company or not. Otherwise they turn up unannounced and surprise us, come hammering on the mind’s door at 4 a.m. of a bad night and demand to know who deserted them, who betrayed them, who is going to make amends. We forget all too soon the things we thought we could never forget. We forget the loves and the betrayals alike, forget what we whispered and what we screamed, forget who we were. Joan Didion, On Keeping a Notebook

From the heart- a 15 day journal exercise Part 13: The Act of Dying

I am re-reading Stephen Levine‘s A Year to Live- how to live this year as if it were your last as a personal exercise schedule to take time to slow down and truly listen to my heart.

Recall:

Part 1: Catching Up with Your Life

Part 2: Practice Dying

Part 3: Preparing to Die

Part 4: Dying from the Common Cold

Part 5: Renewing Evolution

Part 6: Famous Last Words

Part 7: Fear of Fear

Part 8- Noticing

Part 9: A Commitment to Life

Part 10: Fear of Dying

Part 11: Fear of Death

Part 12: The Moment of Death

Part 13: The Act of Dying

1. I return to a journal entry October 26, 2012:

In keeping with Dad’s wishes, I documented our last day together.

I came up early in the morning yesterday and spent some hours by myself with Dad before the rest of the family arrived for our daily vigil.

I set up the space  I had an intense need to offer some kind of guidance for him.

I played the Tibetan Book of the Dead audio for Dad.  We were not interrupted and it was very powerful.

My father’s feet showed signs of mottling, so I had a lovely gentle conversation with the nurse and we inspected him and nodded silently to each other.  Dad continued his rhythmic breathing. interrupted here and there with some abrupt harsh intakes of breath.  His heart beat on, but there were arrhythmic moments and his pulse was weak.

His senses were shutting down.  Hearing though may be one of the last things to go.

I felt he needed to hear more gentle guidance, so I played him Swedish lullabies into his left ear, sung by his favorite actor, Allan Edwall:

The family arrived and we spent another beautiful day together.

My friend, Darcy, dropped off Sunshine Cake:

We played some of Dad’s favorite Swedish comedy and some of his favorite Disney movies:

The artist’s hand lies still.

Staff came in regularly to tend him and to check in.  The doctor felt Dad could hang on another two weeks.  I was confused as it did not feel right intuitively, and felt a panic well up.  I did not want Dad to suffer any more.

We had a lot of family discussions and then we packed up around 8:00/8:30 PM and turned off the lights except for the Christmas lights and diffuser.  Dad was peaceful and apparently painfree.  I sensed he needed time to concentrate and to complete the journey on his own.

15 minutes after we left, care aide Kim went in and checked on him and he was still breathing.  Then care aide Mike went in and discovered that Dad had stopped breathing.  I received the call as my son and I bit into our dinner at Burgoo.

We quickly headed up and when we walked into the room, Dad was surrounded by his beloved caregivers.  They had tended him so beautifully.

My son Julian, my brother Fredrik, my brother Anders and my sister-in-law Charmaine and I sat for an hour talking, laughing, sighing, breathing, planning, sharing shots of Dad’s whiskey in his honor.  Dad’s “baby,” Tobey, lay on Dad’s legs as we awaited the transfer of Dad’s body.

Today we will be sorting his room.  I am filled with joy, relief, love, sadness and all the beautiful emotions a daughter can feel losing her beloved father.  I have also lost my best friend and I sense that once the numbness wears off, I will experience intense loss in this regard, but I accept and welcome it for I am so lucky to have had such a friendship.

Much love to all of you.

I feel my Dad doing his signature thumbs up!

You can read the book I created with my father (PDF file):

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2. Capture chapter highlights:

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This is how it is to die:

A sense of lightening, an expanding, a floating free…

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3. Explore another source regarding listening to the messages from the heart:

Death is always on the way, but the fact that you don’t know when it will arrive seems to take away from the finiteness of life. It’s that terrible precision that we hate so much. But because we don’t know, we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well. Yet everything happens a certain number of times, and a very small number, really. How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood, some afternoon that’s so deeply a part of your being that you can’t even conceive of your life without it? Perhaps four or five times more. Perhaps not even. How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps twenty. And yet it all seems limitless.”

(“The Sheltering Sky” – Paul Bowles)

[Thank you, Emma Varley]

4. Today’s angel card(s):

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When I draw a blank angel card, I smile, as I take it as my mom and dad telling me: YOU GOT THIS.  It is up to you.  Trust.  Stay in the “don’t know mind.”

Check out:

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From the heart- a 15 day journal exercise Part 11: Fear of Dying

I am re-reading Stephen Levine‘s A Year to Live- how to live this year as if it were your last as a personal exercise schedule to take time to slow down and truly listen to my heart.

Recall:

Part 1: Catching Up with Your Life

Part 2: Practice Dying

Part 3: Preparing to Die

Part 4: Dying from the Common Cold

Part 5: Renewing Evolution

Part 6: Famous Last Words

Part 7: Fear of Fear

Part 8- Noticing

Part 9: A Commitment to Life

Part 10: Fear of Dying

Part 11: Fear of Death

1. Journal exercise:

WRITE FOR 10 MINUTES ON LETTING GO AND STARTING FRESH.  YOU OWE NO ONE ANYTHING.  YOU CAN START TOTALLY FRESH TODAY.  

Allowing myself to start fresh.  To go into the cave.  To be in solitude.

Loving less interaction.  Loving not trying.  Happy to be doing less.

Healing the sick body and the exhausted mind.

Let it go.

Let it all go. 

Hey! Not feeling valued these days?  Let it go.

Need to feel  more assured?  Let it go.

Figure out next steps?  Let it go.

Should be should be— let it go.

Simplify? Yes.


2. Capture chapter highlights:

Our fear of death is our fear of the uncontrollable unknown.  It is the same old fear.  It lies in wait behind our eyelids as we awake each morning.  It is the fear of fears.  It needs space to breathe.

When attempts at control become a prison only letting go of control will result in freedom.

– Stephen Levine 

3. Explore another source regarding listening to the messages from the heart:

What is that hair ball of old energy you have been choking on?
… Let go of the need to heal old emotional wounds.The Power Path

4. Today’s angel card(s):

From the heart- a 15 day journal exercise Part 9: A Commitment to Life

I am re-reading Stephen Levine‘s A Year to Live- how to live this year as if it were your last as a personal exercise schedule to take time to slow down and truly listen to my heart.

Recall:

Part 1: Catching Up with Your Life

Part 2: Practice Dying

Part 3: Preparing to Die

Part 4: Dying from the Common Cold

Part 5: Renewing Evolution

Part 6: Famous Last Words

Part 7: Fear of Fear

Part 8- Noticing

Part 9: A Commitment to Life

1. Journal exercise:

What are you committed to today?  I am staying committed to yesterday’s energy of not rushing.  I am getting things done, yes, but not rushing each item.  Staying present and staying innocent.  Staying with the energy of starting fresh.  I can’t solve anything today.  I can only stay aware and present.

Draw/doodle/write life renewal.  What comes to mind?

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2. Capture chapter highlights:

Awareness is itself a healing quality.  Where awareness is focused the deepest potentials for clarity and balance present themselves.  Though what we are aware of may be incessantly changing, awareness itself remains a constant, a luminous spaciousness without beginning or end, without birth or death.  It is the essence of life itself.  It is what remains when all that is impermanent falls away.  It is the deathless…

We must integrate our insights and encourage the weary mind to settle into the expansive heart…

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Chinamarker, acrylic and coffee on newsprint

3. Explore another source regarding listening to the messages from the heart:

I need to be alone. I need to ponder my shame and my despair in seclusion; I need the sunshine and the paving stones of the streets without companions, without conversation, face to face with myself, with only the music of my heart for company.
― Henry Miller, Tropic of Cancer

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4. Today’s angel card(s):

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The bite marks are from my parrot!

From the heart- a 15-day journal exercise Part 5

I dedicate today’s post to my soul-sister Patti Henderson and to our deep HEART chats.

I am re-reading Stephen Levine‘s A Year to Live- how to live this year as if it were your last as a personal exercise schedule to take time to slow down and truly listen to my heart.

Recall:

Part 1: Catching Up with Your Life

Part 2: Practice Dying

Part 3: Preparing to Die

Part 4: Dying from the Common Cold

Part 5: Renewing Evolution

1. CREATE freely.  Do what you love.  What relaxes you?  For me, it is drawing and embroidering.

I recall a piece from 3 years ago:

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From the heart- a 15-day journal exercise: Part 3

I am re-reading Stephen Levine‘s A Year to Live- how to live this year as if it were your last as a personal exercise schedule to take time to slow down and truly listen to my heart.

Recall:

Part 1: Catching Up with Your Life

Part 2: Practice Dying

Part 3: Preparing to Die

1. Embroider your heart

Here is a PDF of one of my drawings for you to print out: Heart

Color it.  –> Cut it out.  –> Glue it on card stock.  –> Cut it out again.  –> Embroider!

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Photo by Erin Banda

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Check out:

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2. Capture chapter highlights:

If you had only one year to live, what would you do?

[I think about the beautiful, heartbreaking, incredible mother-daughter year my mother and I had from her diagnosis of pancreatic cancer November 2007 to her death November 2008.]

… To have a whole year to examine one’s life consciously in the context of approaching death is almost unique in the human experience…

As we begin to see where we have been absent from life, increasing possibilities audition for our approval.  The heart suggests that we become more present, that we sharpen our focus…

Those who insist they’ve got their “shit together” are usually standing in it at the time…

Sometime it takes a journey to come home.  We may even have to leave our comfortable (though always rented, never owned) domicile to do it.  Life is like that and so is death…

Thus, in the one year experiment… focus, instead, on the heart that loves as is.  This means completing one life before we start another, taking one evolutionary leap at a time.

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3. Explore another source regarding listening to the messages from the heart:

WE ALREADY HAVE everything we need. There is no need for self-improvement. All these trips that we lay on ourselves—the heavy-duty fearing that we’re bad and hoping that we’re good, the identities that we so dearly cling to, the rage, the jealousy and the addictions of all kinds—never touch our basic wealth. They are like clouds that temporarily block the sun. But all the time our warmth and brilliance are right here. This is who we really are. We are one blink of an eye away from being fully awake.
― Pema Chödrön, Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living

4. Today’s angel card:

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From the heart- a 15-day journal exercise: Part 2

I am re-reading Stephen Levine‘s A Year to Live- how to live this year as if it were your last as a personal exercise schedule to take time to slow down and truly listen to my heart.

Recall: Part 1: Catching Up with Your Life

Part 2: Practice Dying

1. Color an anatomical heart:

Here is a PDF of one of my drawings for you to print out: Heart

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2. Capture chapter highlights:

And it’s never too late to complete our birth.  As Buddha said, “It doesn’t matter how long you have forgotten, only how soon you remember.”

To practice dying.  To be fully alive.  To investigate the dread of, and resistance to life and death.  To complete my birth before it’s over.  To investigate that part of myself that refuses to take birth fully, and hops about as though it still had one foot in the womb.

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it was the fear of life that needed to be investigated first…

… But when the heart at last acknowledges how much pain there is in the mind, it turns like a mother toward a frightened child.

3. Explore another source regarding listening to the messages from the heart:

“The cradle rocks above an abyss, and common sense tells us that our existence is but a brief crack of light between two eternities of darkness. Although the two are identical twins, man, as a rule, views the prenatal abyss with more calm than the one he is heading for (at some forty-five hundred heartbeats an hour). I know, however, of a young chronophobiac who experienced something like panic when looking for the first time at homemade movies that had been taken a few weeks before his birth. He saw a world that was practically unchanged-the same house, the same people- and then realized that he did not exist there at all and that nobody mourned his absence. He caught a glimpse of his mother waving from an upstairs window, and that unfamiliar gesture disturbed him, as if it were some mysterious farewell. But what particularly frightened him was the sight of a brand-new baby carriage standing there on the porch, with the smug, encroaching air of a coffin; even that was empty, as if, in the reverse course of events, his very bones had disintegrated.”
― Vladimir Nabokov, Speak, Memory

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4. Today’s angel card:

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From the Heart- a 15-day journal exercise: Part 1

I am re-reading Stephen Levine‘s A Year to Live- how to live this year as if it were your last as a personal exercise schedule to take time to slow down and truly listen to my heart.

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I will share my exploration here and I encourage you to join me.  The book has 15 chapters, so I will explore in 15 parts in 15 days.  I will focus on the heart image in each part, share some highlights from the chapter, look at other resources that resonate and pull an angel card.

Part 1: Catching Up with Your Life

  1. Draw an anatomical heart:

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Or here is a PDF of one of my drawings for you to print out: Heart

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2. Capture chapter highlights:

This book is a book of renewal.  It is not simply about dying but about the restoration of the heart.

Part of us seek relief from our fears, while another aspect causes our focus on life to intensify, to push us to look deeper into just who or what took birth and who, indeed, it is that will someday die.

Whatever our situation, the progression– sudden or gradual– if the same: to remember, to let go, and to trust the process. 

Thoughts?

Today I took steps to self-advocate, explore new options, releasing attachment to the outcome- valuing myself without apology.  And though it was hard, I took the steps.

The trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more. – Erica Jong

Let go.  Trust the process.

3. Explore another source regarding listening to the messages from the heart:

The Power Path May 2017 Forecast

The way we look at priorities is changing. We need to learn to prioritize from our hearts instead of from our minds. The way the mind prioritizes is by rationalizing why we should be doing something instead of simply intuiting that it should be done. The challenge during times of instability is that we have too many choices, too many options, too much on our plate, and too many considerations to sort through. We don’t know what to do first, what to end, what to start, what we can ignore, what is done, what is ours and what is not. So, we revert back to what is known and where we feel safe and confident. But this is never a good permanent solution.

The only way to bring focus and stability into our lives now is to learn to prioritize from the heart. This requires trust and intuition, listening to yourself instead of others and connecting in with your own desires. Making choices from the heart may disappoint others and even bring instability into someone else’s life, but that is the challenge this month and the price you pay for resetting your priorities and it will serve you in the long run. When there are too many options, choices and possibilities to process through the mind, the only way to gain clarity is to turn to the heart and allow it to lead.

4. Today’s angel card:

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Anticipation: revisiting a journal exercise

Standing on the edge of the unknown, we anticipate.  We over-think.  And create anxiety that has no place to land.

There is no terror in the bang, only in the anticipation of it. – Alfred Hitchcock

I created this journal exercise about 5 years ago to meditate on:

  • releasing the anxiety around the unknown when I anticipate,
  • to make me stay in the now and
  • to remind myself I am loved and supported.

JOURNAL EXERCISE:

WRITE FREELY ON ANTICIPATION FOR 10 MINUTES:

There is no right or wrong.  Just write.  Whatever comes to mind.

USING DRY PASTEL, COLOUR EACH LINE

Rub it down.

Spray it with hairspray.

NOW CUT THE STRIPS

WEAVE THE STRIPS TOGETHER

We anticipate events.  As we process them, whether we do it well or badly, elegantly or clumsily, the experiences weave a tapestry that colours our personality.  Our life is a strong, beautiful un-anticipated, splendidly imperfect design.

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Lend your ears to music, open your eyes to painting, and… stop thinking! Just ask yourself whether the work has enabled you to ‘walk about’ into a hitherto unknown world. If the answer is yes, what more do you want? – Wassily Kandinsky

 

She is filled with secrets. Journal exercise.

In honour of Laura Palmer, central character in Twin Peaks, who disappeared on the night of 23 February 1989 after a date with her boyfriend, we revisit an old journal exercise:
Post Card Secrets.
She's filled with secrets. Where we're from, the birds sing a pretty song, and there's always music in the air. - Twin Peaks
She’s filled with secrets. Where we’re from, the birds sing a pretty song, and there’s always music in the air. – Twin Peaks (Laura Palmer, china marker on newsprint, 2015)

I have found that by being honest with my audience, I can be honest with myself and also forgive myself for imperfections- or more accurately, celebrate my imperfections.

Here’s a good template for your exercise:

On postcard write a secret [or many] about yourself.  Something so secretive, you’d feel really uncomfortable sharing it with the world.  Write it out.  You don’t need to show it to anyone.  It’s your choice.  Be brave.

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Glue the written side down in your journal.  The secret is there- but it’s simmering underneath.

Then on the message side, write a message to the world.

Recommended:

POST SECRET

PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where people mail in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard. 

Journal exercise: I Found My Way Home

I have been ruminating on the concept of home.

The ache for home lives in all of us. The safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.

― Maya Angelou, All God’s Children Need Traveling Shoes

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Journal exercise:

If you were to write an autobiography entitled I Found My Way Home, what does home mean?

Just write.  Without stopping for 10-15 minutes… whatever comes to mind.  Of course, there is no right or wrong; home is something different for all of us.

My journal entry (unedited):

My first go to when I think of home is always torpet- peering into the window of my childhood summerhouse.

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Photo by Julian Bowers. Ulriksdal, Mässvik, Sweden, July 2009.

Is home in there?  Or in here?  Is it the family all together?  Is it my heart?  My art?  My mother’s lap?  My lap?  The corner of the cafeteria with my dad?

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I have a friend who looks at the person in front of them deeply… the person inevitably or, more accurately, immediately falls in love.  Is that home?

Is it stuff?   I love my stuff.  Like Dad’s copies of De Ovanliga.

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My mom’s curlers.  My daughter’s first flannel blanket.  My son’s stuffed unicorn.  It’s a Christmas tree and my parrot’s bell.

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It’s silence and oh so, deliciously noisy.

It is lost and found, and both.

It’s a launching pad and a landing pad.

It’s the journey and the entire story.

It’s a shared obsession.

It’s a new book and an old fave.

It’s Dad’s vest.  Mom’s recipes.  The sound of children.

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It’s the mason jar on my window sill.

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The sound of keys.

It’s olfactory.  Sensory.  Visual.  Auditory.  Philosophical.

It is memory.  What if we lose them?

It is building, connection, a cave and a woven rug.

Is there a temperature?

It’s within the pages of Nabokov and Karinthy.  In the scratchings of these pages.

Is it attainable?  Unattainable?  Is it safe?  Painful?

It is all these things of course or none of them, but again, I always go to torpet.

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Perhaps home is not a place but simply an irrevocable condition.
― James Baldwin, Giovanni’s Room

 

‘Be willing to be a beginner every single morning.’ Journaling exercise

Today you are a newborn and you are starting fresh!

Draw a baby.

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Draw brainstorm bubbles above “your “head.

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Write about what it may be like to start fresh.  Releasing anxiety and hesitancy.

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Brainstorm central themes in your life.  Just let it happen.

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Be willing to be a beginner every single morning.

Meister Eckhart

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A single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us. To live is to be slowly born. 

― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Recalling an alternative version of the exercise: What makes an object sacred?

My father’s last pencil box.  It will remain untouched.  It contains his favorite drawing tools like the black pencil crayon and his instant coffee spoon and his rolled up hand towel that he used to brush eraser bits away.

I went into Staples today and felt the weight of missing Dad.  He and I loved shopping for stationary together.

I miss our coffee dates and his to-do lists, but I am ready for the next chapter.  Ready to keep going.

What makes an object sacred? Write about it for 15 minutes.  Draw.  Add thought bubbles.  Pull out key words from your journal entry.

Journal exercise: self-care and self-compassion

Journal exercise:

What does self-care and self-compassion mean to you?  How are they different?  How are they the same?

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Inspired by conversations of late, I am intrigued by the differences between SELF-CARE and SELF-COMPASSION.

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In health care, self care is any necessary human regulatory function which is under individual control, deliberate and self-initiated. [source]

Self-compassion is extending compassion to one’s self in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering.  Kristin Neff has defined self-compassion as being composed of three main components – self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. [source]

CARE implies an action, a verb: effort made to do something correctly, safely, or without causing damage, things that are done to keep someone healthy, safe, etc., things that are done to keep something in good condition…

Taking good care of yourself means the people in your life receive the best of you rather than what is left of you. ― Lucille Zimmerman

COMPASSION implies a noun: pity, sympathy, empathy, fellow feeling, care, concern, solicitude, sensitivity, warmth, love, tenderness, mercy, leniency, tolerance, kindness, humanity, charity…

Don’t ever allow yourself to forget how incredibly special you are, even for a single second. Without you, the world would not be as magnificent. Let yourself remember to love again, starting with you loving you. ― Miya Yamanouchi

Self-care implies a to-do.  That can trigger.  Exhaust.

Check out:

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Self-compassion is immediate.

But hey, both important.

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I am getting better at self-compassion.  Self-care will take some more work.  In my own time.  In that statement lies self-compassion- take your time.

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So I will continue to practice self-compassion first (immediate), then self-care (commitment).

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This post is dedicated to my self-care/compassion soul-sisters:

Laura Mack, Patti Henderson, Beverley Pomeroy, Cher Thorsen, Maud Kerzendörfer, Cat Webb and Emma Varley…

and to Frida Kahlo.

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Check out:

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We could also say that this month is all about love; transforming fear into power through love, transforming doubt into confidence through love, transforming old emotional wounds into great wisdom through love. It is an opportunity for us all to learn our lessons through the tough love of spirit and to finally begin to love and cherish ourselves deeply and unconditionally… Make sure this month to take time for yourself in the area of self-care.  How can you best support your own priorities?  How can you take better care of yourself as your own most valuable possession?  Remember to have compassion and forgiveness and to be in love with yourself. July 2016 Forecast, The Power Path

Art journaling e-workshop 12-part course

I have created an in-depths arts journaling program and am offering it to you as an email course!

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I have been developing a little project for awhile now, inspired by my desires to combine my learned lessons from years of facilitating art sessions.  You will receive instructions and imagery to print out and color.  Fun, easy, in-depths!  

The course covers:

  1. Esteem heart
  2. Past/present/future
  3. Root
  4. Weaving support systems
  5. Inner critic
  6. Drawing tutorial
  7. Chakra chart
  8. Difficult conversations
  9. Critical thinking
  10. Vision boards
  11. Mission and vision
  12. Manifesto

You can choose 1 part for $12 USD or pay for all parts for only $100 USD (parts emailed one at a time every three days).

To purchase 1 part at a time (please indicate title you are purchasing):

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or email transfer $12 USD ($16 CAD) to britakatarina@gmail.com

To purchase all 12 parts:

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or email transfer $100 USD ($133 CAD) to britakatarina@gmail.com

You will need a journal (composition books are great!), pens, pencils, felts, scissors, glue, embroidery thread, needle.

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Lilla My #fanart custom made composition books. 

I love customizing composition books.  Prepping a new one for today. I am particularly in love with this one so I’m making this version available to you! 

Lilla My fan art custom made composition books:

Ready to contain your hopes, wishes, dreams, ramblings, musings, to-do’s, purges, goals etc. A safe place to vent as you take a bite out of life!

You deserve the best, the very best, because you are one of the few people in this lousy world who are honest to themselves, and that is the only thing that really counts. – Frida Kahlo

 $25 CAD/ $20 USD

Features handcolored prints of my Tove Jansson’s inspired fan art drawings- Moomin’s Lilla My on the front cover and Lilla My as Frida Kahlo on the back. 

Each journal contains a little surprise introductory exercise! 

Deluxe embroidered versions with 12 journaling exercises also available for custom order.

Contact me at britakatarina@gmail.com for purchase info. Bulk order price options available!  

  

 

I’ll have to calm down a bit. Or else I’ll burst with happiness. – Tove Jansson

 

Dear future me… Empowering exercise designed by @peterbreeze

I was so honored to take part in a taste-test workshop last Saturday designed and facilitated by Peter Breeze (co-facilitated by Odin in Germany. Participants included Kany, Annalise and Mariel).

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Very special day! I’ve been developing a workshop for over a year and today I finally shared my ideas and exercises with these special people. The workshop is designed to help you get in touch with your dreams, bring them to the surface and through a series of exercises explore what it feels like when your dreams come true! I was nervous to share this vision but once we started everything flowed so naturally. It felt right. Very powerful. Today is day one of a brand new adventure!!! I am so excited!! – Peter Breeze

It was one of the most powerful and uplifting workshops I’ve ever attended– a beautiful combination of exercises, take-away tools, spiritual guidance and humor.

Stay tuned for Peter’s full workshop offering!  A “can’t miss” opportunity!

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During the workshop, I wrote the following letter to my future self.  A testimonial from the soul, as Odin calls it.  With Peter’s powerful guidance and exercises, I was able to speak from an empowered self.  I felt safe and ready.  Truly liberating.

  

[unedited]

Dear me,

You now stand fully naked, fully present, fully you.  Gone are the shackles that pulled you downwards into self-doubting, crippling anxiety.  No longer do you hesitate before expressing.  But most importantly, no longer do you collapse in shame and doubt after you expressed yourself.  

Speaking your truth used to cause you to feel like you were choking on amniotic fluid.  Felt like it came at a price.  

Now you can breathe in and breathe out with open mouth, open nostrils, open sinuses, open throat, open heart, open eyes, open mind without fear.  

You release your truth, your art, your work onto and into the world and receive back the conversations/communications with an open and fearless heart- a heart that is ready to dialogue.  

Your work used to require boundaries.  Your life used to comprise of self-imposed boundaries to protect your heart from rejection and loss.  But now you are boundless.  And so the work you have built on awakening creative expression in others- a gift you truly were born with and have worked so tirelessly to deliver- takes on a new level on a global scale.  You are not in need of accolades.  You are simply expressing, thereby allowing others to feel the same freedom.  It need no longer be frontline work (in person), it is a new principle and way of living.  

Full presence.  

You have taken all the heartache, all the joy, all the blood and guts of life and built a mission and vision that has created true abundance.  

You will never be anxiety-free and you will never not have heart-shattering challenges, but you now have a giant delicious toolbox with which to meet those challenges and easily process, die into them and rebirth from them.  You are truly living with ease.  

All is as it should be.  

Congratulations.  

Love, me 

  

Recall: Dear Me (write a letter to your younger self)

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“Dear me…” Write a letter to your younger self.

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What would you write to younger you today?

There is so much I want to write to that little anxious girl.  I haven’t written my letter yet, but it will come.  For now, I give that little girl a knowing nod and whisper- you are perfect as you are.

We have outgrown our container and are pushing up against limiting beliefs and our small, fear-based thought processes. The inner child is wounded and wants to be healed. But we must be disciplined and reward only a clear committed intention and not a whiny tantrum. Watch your reactions, as they can be explosive this month. Take a deep breath and think before you speak and act especially when you feel agitated, impatient or victimized. Remember to take responsibility for what is showing up in your life at this time. Step up to the challenge and trust spirit to take care of whatever you cannot see your way through.

There is tremendous opportunity this month to restructure your life based on healing your own inner child and adolescence and allowing for a new alignment of the masculine and feminine both for you personally and for the greater planetary community. The end result will be more personal power, a greater sense of freedom to live your life the way you want, and a deeper experience of self-love and confidence. There has never been a better time than now to move into a place of more trust in spirit and a deep inner knowing that all is as it should be. So embrace your growing pains and enjoy the ride. – Lena Stevens, The Power Path July 2015 Monthly Forecast

Suggestion:

Mail the finished letter to yourself.  Once you receive it back, keep it sealed until the day you really need it- you’ll know when.  It’s a wonderful therapeutic art exercise!

Contact me for custom orders at britakatarina@gmail.com

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CHECK OUT:

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ART SALE: One-of-a-kind journals 

One-of-a-kind journals with hand-drawn, embroidered covers containing  12 of my original journaling exercises

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I have been developing a little project for awhile now, inspired by my desires to:

• combine my learned lessons from years of facilitating art sessions

• reach more people that doesn’t require arranging in-person workshops.

But I want to do it in a very personal way.

 So what you get is a hand-drawn and hand-written product- and no two journals are alike!

This is not a published handbook or photocopied exercises.  This is a tangible, personal art program.

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Each journal is a composition book with a unique cover– featuring surprise images (you never know what you’re gonna get) on the front and back, hand-drawn by me.

These images are used to inspire certain exercises in the journal.

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The Badger/Crumb edition front cover
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The Badger/Crumb edition back cover

Inside you’ll find 12 of my original journaling exercises to facilitate you to explore in a safe and fun way.  I also include an opening and closing exercise.  Each exercise takes up about 4-8 pages.

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Cost: $135.00

This is not just a journal

It’s essentially a 12-session personal workshop series!

How to purchase: $135.00 CAD Plus $8.00 shipping 

Payment options:

1. Email transfer directly to britakatarina@gmail.com

2. PAYPAL

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You will then email me a shipping address and I will create your unique journal.  It will take about 3-4 weeks to receive it.

Group rates available for 5 or more. 

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Mouse edition front cover

  

Mouse edition back cover

And yes- you can then share these exercises.  And share your results with me!  I’d love to see where you take it!  There is no right or wrong- just freedom!  My goal is to spread the empowering/expressive force of creative journaling!

 

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Procrastination embraced. Journal exercise.

If you procrastinate, it has served you in some way. Welcome it! Congratulate yourself. Study its effects in your life, and its gifts – allow yourself to accept and then release your procrastination! – SARK

The following journal exercise can take you a few minutes or several weeks- totally up to you!

1. Get a composition book.  (Dollar store has delicious ones):IMG_3038.JPG2. When you finally get around to it, write today’s date (whatever that day may be):IMG_30453. Gather some drawing and writing supplies, so they are ready for when the time is right:IMG_3039.JPG4. Collect all your to-do’s in a basket, if they fit:IMG_3040.JPG5. Make a pile “to read” books.  This visual will make you feel productive:IMG_3042.JPG6. Grab a cup of coffee and your phone:IMG_3043.JPG7. Collect some stuff to eventually add to the composition book:IMG_3044.JPG8.  Go on instagram (essential):IMG_30469. Tweet a little (optional):IMG_3048.PNG10.  Wait for further instructions.  That’s enough for today.

Love Kat

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Write for 10 minutes without stopping. #journalexercise

I feel tired, excited, more peaceful- but tired and worn.  I am indeed— worn out.  Maybe it’s muscle memory.  Anniversary grief catching up.  This time last year- JEEEEZUS.

Accepting, surrendering, packing, moving, bankruptcy, no money.  That week with no home.  The incredible support from family and friends.

“You need  to finish your book here,” the caretaker Bill said, as we applied for this apartment.  I recall that sense of trust that infused my heart.  That knowledge that Molly was leading the way.  How else to explain the unique way we landed at Chilco and Nelson?

Tobey has slowed down so much since last summer.  We don’t walk around the lagoon like we used to.  But yet I am attached to the park more than ever.  Its mysteries.  Its seasons.  The life evolving, repeating.

It’s been about Molly for so many years.  12 years almost.  And so life is evolving, altering its course to allow me to step fully into it.

To be the artist I need to be to finish it.

To be the artist I need to be to finish Matthew’s project.

To teach youth (on my terms now).

To facilitate (on my terms now).

To be the mom I need to be.

To be the aunt I need to be.

1o minutes.  Just rambling.  The pen moves across the paper from left to right.  Rides along the creative process.  Attaches.  Moves through.

I am very aware of my excitement, overwhelmingness, embarrassment, vulnerableness as I place myself “out there.”  As I submit proposals that ask for $ that I finally BELIEVE reflects my value.  It is exciting to submit.  Not terrifying.  Right?

The angst is excitement.  Positive churning.

It need not happen— the idea.  The proposal.  It will be what it is.

Such a difficult, beautiful, invigorating year.  Cleansing.  However long it has taken me, I have always taken the opportunities and certainly tried to problem solve.  To figure it out.  To survive.  Kudos.

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INNER CRITIC Series Part 4 of 6: CAUTERIZE #journalexercise

The inner critic is always worth a revisit.  I have broken the series into 6 parts:

1. RANT

2. JUDGE

3. INVESTIGATE

4. CAUTERIZE

5. TEASE

6. EMBRACE

Each exercise starts with a journal entry and/or mindmap.  Then we look at the emotions that come up as we share openly.  I encourage you to experiment by sharing your thoughts in the comments here.  Share your rants and judgements.  Judge me freely; judge yourself.  It’s all good.  Let’s demystify.  Let’s take off the mask.  Let’s remove the hesitation.

INNER CRITIC series part 3 of 6: INVESTIGATE

In PART 1 we ranted without hesitation.  We let the ugly out.  We then identified certain emotions that came up.

In PART 2 we dug a little deeper into the emotions that came up, laying out the evidence for judicial review.

In PART 3 we examined the facts to get to some truths.

You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people, but until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them.

― Iyanla Vanzant, Yesterday, I Cried

Sometimes the truth can hurt.  Sometimes pulling off the scab can reveal a wound we are not always ready to address.  So today- let’s slow down.  Let’s cauterize the wound.  Write, mindmap or draw out what this means to you.

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Pick an animal symbol that resonates with you today.  Research it.  What lessons can you learn?  This is good brain gym.

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REMINDER:

You are worth of love and belonging.

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INNER CRITIC series Part 3 of 6: INVESTIGATE #journalexercise

The inner critic is always worth a revisit.  I have broken the series into 6 parts:

1. RANT

2. JUDGE

3. INVESTIGATE

4. CAUTERIZE

5. TEASE

6. EMBRACE

Each exercise starts with a journal entry and/or mindmap.  Then we look at the emotions that come up as we share openly.  I encourage you to experiment by sharing your thoughts in the comments here.  Share your rants and judgements.  Judge me freely; judge yourself.  It’s all good.  Let’s demystify.  Let’s take off the mask.  Let’s remove the hesitation.

INNER CRITIC series part 3 of 6: INVESTIGATE

In PART 1 we ranted without hesitation.  We let the ugly out.  We then identified certain emotions that came up.

In PART 2 we dug a little deeper into the emotions that came up, laying out the evidence for judicial review.

If you judge, investigate. – Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Today let’s carry out a systematic or formal inquiry to discover and examine the facts of so as to establish the truth.

Go back to your mindmap:

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Focus in on one particular branch/emotion.

I chose:

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Create a new mindmap around the branch you decided to focus on and in a stream of consciousness way, elaborate on your investigation. [Ideally you do this for every branch of your Part 2 mindmap.]

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We often shy away from digging deep as it may expose truths we are just too scared or too tired to address.  We tend to doubt ourselves.  Our abilities.  Our freedom to express openly.

But have fun with it.  Is there some kind of truth/lesson that comes up as you address that emotion that resulted from your Part 1 rant?  Is there something new to learn?

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 Truth: A lot of my issues simply come from a need to control that which I could never and never will be able to control.  

It is by doubting that we come to investigate, and by investigating that we recognize the truth. – Peter Abelard

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REMINDER:

You are worth of love and belonging.

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Inner Critic Series Part 2: JUDGE #journalexercise #mindmap

INNER CRITIC SERIES PARTS 1-6:

The inner critic is always worth a revisit.  I have broken the series into 6 parts:

1. RANT

2. JUDGE

3. INVESTIGATE

4. CAUTERIZE

5. TEASE

6. EMBRACE

Each exercise starts with ajournal entry and/or mindmap.  Then we look at the emotions that come up as we share openly.  I encourage you to experiment by sharing your thoughts in the comments here.  Share your rants and judgements.  Judge me freely; judge yourself.  It’s all good.  Let’s demystify.  Let’s take off the mask.  Let’s remove the hesitation.

INNER CRITIC series part 2 of 6: JUDGE

In PART 1 we ranted without hesitation.  We let the ugly out.  We then identified certain emotions that came up.

My emotions that came up:

• Self-blame

• Shame

• Anger

• Laughter

• Empowerment

• Embarrassment

Draw your words on a mindmap:

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IMG_1571Now dig a little deeper and address each branch and bubble on your mindmap.

JUDGE:

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Judge judiciously.  Research.  Look up quotes that pertain to the emotions that came up for you.  See which emotion feeds the other.  Are there themes?  Judge them fairly and freely.  Let’s disclose and weigh.  Let’s let the facts speak.  Bring in all the evidence.  Voir dire.  Are we ready for the investigative stage (Part 3)?  Prove that you are able to only consider the truth.

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REMINDER:

You are worth of love and belonging.

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INNER CRITIC series part 1 of 6: RANT! #journalexercise

I have visited and revisited the inner critic here on my blog again and again.  The inner critic is a good friend of mine.  And also a pain in the ass.

Recall the journal exercises in  “TAMING THE INNER CRITIC” JOURNAL EXERCISE REVISITED

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But the inner critic is always worth a revisit.  I’ve been mulling over this particular journaling series and weighing what it is I’d like to share with you and why.  And to do it in a new way.  So I have broken the series into 6 parts:

1. RANT

2. JUDGE

3. INVESTIGATE

4. CAUTERIZE

5. TEASE

6. EMBRACE

Each exercise starts with ajournal entry and/or mindmap.  Then we look at the emotions that come up as we share openly.  I encourage you to experiment by sharing your thoughts in the comments here.  Share your rants and judgements.  Judge me freely; judge yourself.  It’s all good.  Let’s demystify.  Let’s take off the mask.  Let’s remove the hesitation.

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INNER CRITIC series part 1 of 6: RANT:

As always I share myself here freely.  This was a rant I wrote on the weekend.  I was going to delete it.  Was going to cross it out.  But instead, in the spirit of allowing me to VOICE what churns inside, I will share it.  Then in the spirit of this exercise, I will share the emotions that come up for me.

JOURNAL EXERCISE: RANT WITHOUT HESITATION.  DON’T WORRY ABOUT AUDIENCE. OR ABOUT COMING OFF AS ENTITLED OR WHATEVER.  EXPRESS FREELY.  LET THE UGLY OUT.

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MY JOURNAL ENTRY (unedited):

Do we always need to let go?  To trust the universe?  I’m kind of sick of it, honestly.  All this accepting, trusting, allowing.

Yet I am also tired of fighting for what I am worth and tired of trying again.  Tired of the signals that want to prove to me I am incapable.  Tired of talking.  Tired of digging deep.

Tired of this:

“Here’s another idea.  Let’s try this.  Oh, it didn’t work?  That’s OK.  Let it go.  You tried too hard.  Let it unfold.”

BLAH

Why does a watched pot never boil?  BOIL DAMMIT.

Or maybe this all means, I actually haven’t dug deep enough.  Tried enough.  I’ve been digging.  I’ve been trying.  But maybe I’ve been too much of a pussy.  Maybe  I have no idea how to let go. Maybe I don’t really believe I am worth more than $1800/month.   Asch.  BLAH BLAH BLAH.

In 2015, I want to MAKE MONEY.  I want to be able to say- wow- I deserve this for I believe I am worth this and my bank account reflects that.  

I don’t want my current salary to be the proving of my theorem that I am incapable of being paid more.  I don’t want to depend on my kids.  I don’t want to check the mail box anymore for hopes of scraps.  I no longer want to be proven that “you know, really, creative arts and youth work don’t deserve to receive more- yeah… you do great things, but isn’t the goodness of it the real reward?”  I don’t want to hear about budgets and lack there of.  I don’t want accolades for work well done while still having my heart in my throat about not being able to pay the rent.

I don’t want to chase.  I want it to come to me.  I don’t want to ask.  I want to receive!

I KNOW WE ALL STRUGGLE.  I don’t want anyone to struggle.  I know the world is a beautiful and horrifying place.

Yet, stop.  

I remember to breathe.  To pat myself on the back for journaling it out.  To remind myself to trust, allow, expand…

Ah, fuck it.  What do I know?

I look around and am reminded of my beautiful, messy creative life.  I savour it.  You know, I love that I am a messy creative that struggles.  I love that I affect people positively as they awaken to their own possibilities.

I wouldn’t change anything about the journey that brings me to this moment.

OK, breathe.  I am grateful.  But I’ll just go check the mailbox one more time.

EMOTIONS THAT RESULT AS YOU REVIEW : WHAT COMES UP FOR YOU AS YOU READ BACK?  WE WILL ADDRESS THESE IN PART 2.

MY EMOTIONS:

• Self-blame

• Shame

• Anger

• Laughter

• Empowerment

• Embarrassment

REMINDER:

You are worth of love and belonging.
You are worth of love and belonging.

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Notes from the kitchen table… #journalexercise

K. Thorsen, 2000 (inspired from Anders Zorn's "Stickande Kulla" 1901), oil pastel on gyproc
K. Thorsen, 2000 (inspired from Anders Zorn’s “Stickande Kulla” 1901), oil pastel on gyproc

Journal exercise:

Take time to listen. Sit with pen and paper and write down all you hear.  ALL.  

BE PRESENT.

I was sitting at my kitchen table the other evening, sewing.  The apartment to myself except for sleeping pets.  I suddenly became very aware of my surroundings.

I had, what I can only call, a Dostoyevskian moment– perhaps colored by the fact that someone in the neighboring apartment building was singing a Russian folk song.  My vintage kitchen setting felt timeless and time-full.

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So I wrote.

[Unedited]

The slip of the thread through stuffing and cloth

The pen scratching on the paper

The scrape of my fleshy hand along the foolscap

The knock on the door downstairs

The wind through the trees

The airplane roar

The slam of a car door

The chanting of a Russian folk song

The bang of the garage door

The scream of a cat

The rain in the puddles

The footsteps upstairs

The sound of a car along wet pavement

The creaks in the building

The breath of my dog

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The parrot adjusts

The stillness of the kitchen

The roar of the ocean

The sounds in my belly

The squeal of a broken fanbelt

The footsteps of a person in the lane

The drips from the gutter

The creak in my chair as I adjust

The sound of existence- the physical weight of it on the ears

The neighbour upstairs runs water in their kitchen sink

Pots and pans and drawers

The gentle hisses of the parrot

The scratching of my fingers on my jeans

The sound of awareness. 

This little kitchen.  On this large globe.

The clang of a text message.

My breath.

“On my way home.”

The rub of my fingers along my chin under my lip

The fridge kicks in

“I am going to Safeway to buy a few snacks.”

“I’ll meet you there!”

Detail from "Laundry Day," 2002
Detail from “Laundry Day,” 2002

I can see the sun, but even if I cannot see the sun, I know that it exists. And to know that the sun is there – that is living.
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov

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“Hey over here- over HEAR!” Bathtub musings. #journal

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This that this that

I throw you the unknown

This that this that

Hey over here, over- HEAR!

Cart on a cup over rocks in a bird’s stomach

Soaring crashing

Overview- over this view, so over this view

But not you and you but them.

Not this not- this right here.

Clear clear I love this. This! Right here.

Hysterically, she courts: Here Hear! Hear me!

Yes, yes, I hear right here.

But sometimes- sometimes I am so over this (over)view.

Released from… congrats.

Now what? I still wait. Weight wade wade into the shadow,

through the muck that smells deliciously mouldy.

Eyes just at the surface blink slowly slowly blinks winks laughs and takes in air

and algae and bird turd and chokes and bloats and bides-

Bides time until there is just enough. Just enough. Say… ten lousy dollars.

Let’s just say, ten lousy dollars. Enough-

Enough to buy a bun, two buns and two cups and a french press and time.

This this right here. Hear!

It’s good now. The shadows are good now.

Lay the hand on the moss. Sink the cheek into the moss.

The moth and the moss- in time.

In time, the root overtakes the bone and pulls it down, past the moss

and the rock and the roots and the decay. Away and overlay

and the sun through the leaves offers pockets of hope,

and the shoot and the root crush under the boot.

Here… Hear. HEAR! HERE!

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