Why when I close my eyes and think about myself at a young age do I find myself immediately at the age of 6? What makes me go back to that little girl? That time?
These days I feel tears well up easily. Not of sadness, but of fullness. Today I walked home from the bus stop the long way via the heron nests. I stopped, breathing in the scent of blossoms, looking up at the springtime activity as the birds were busy showing off for each other, building nests. I was overwhelmed by the beauty of it all– my heart full, knowing that I am ready. That tonight I would finally commit to translating mom’s letters here in this sacred space of mine, my blog.
I don’t write this blog for anyone but myself. It is a depository. A way to journal. I only write it for me. Sharing it in the ether gives me perspective. I get a chance to step back. To process. So this is the place for me to translate the letters.
It is November, 1968.
My mom is 32 , the same age my daughter is now, and she is writing letters home to her best friends in Sweden. Newly arrived to Canada. And I am 6. And she is writing letters. And I have those letters in a pile here. I have had them since December 2013. I have only read the first one.
A letter home. November 1, 1968
Dream. Letters. Thought and Memory.
From what I see, as I sift through them, is that they are positive reflections of a young mother sitting at the kitchen table, likely children in bed, or at school, scratching out a connection to her best friends back home. So why have I left the package untouched in my bookshelf on top of my father’s drawings all this time? Me- the person that voraciously sifts through historical documents?
What is it that makes me well up in tears as I make this commitment now to go through the letters? What is it I am grieving? Remembering?
That young woman at the kitchen table, writing to her best friends. The words flowing out of her mind, onto paper, into envelope, into mailbox, over the ocean, into her friends’ hand, 45 years later back into envelope, back across the ocean, into my hands.
Mom’s first letter to her friends was written the day after we arrived in Canada (we arrived October 31, 1968). Today’s letter was written a few days later.
I was so damn mad- the freezer has mould, so I have stood with my head in it all day scrubbing. [We had that freezer until 2004]. I guess I didn’t wipe it dry properly and it has been developing mould for 5 weeks. Now, at least, it is ship-shape. We have now furnished and decorated the house and as usual every corner is full. It actually turned out really well. I am so mad at this wall-to-wall carpeting they have here. They get dirty just by looking at them.
If you only knew how gorgeous it is to lie on the bed and look out the bedroom window. All the mountaintops were totally white this morning. The restaurant [at the top of Grouse Mountain] is always all lit up. The gondola is not far from here. There is also park not far from here with mysterious totems for the kids and a suspension bridge that swings too darn much.
There are quite lovely things all over the place here. It is funny that in the house next door there is a two year old girl named Nickolina. Fredrik’s head is spinning [our friends’ son in Sweden, also 2 at the time, is named Niklas]. Fredrik, by the way, is still saying “damn” whenever something happens. He throws the toothbrush in the toilet every morning and looks at me and there comes the long drawn out “daaaaaaamn.” I am not buying anymore toothbrushes until he stops that.
The meat here is so cheap and juice of all sorts cost just a few cents per can. Other than that, things are pretty much the same. Please say hello to everyone at the grocery store, by the way. I bet there is loss of revenue now that I am not shopping there for hundreds of dollars every month.
How is Rolf doing without me? Hope he doesn’t fall out too badly. Roar is connecting a lamp today and is swearing as nothing fits and he is saying, “What a stupid country.” You know how he gets when he is going to do something.
Have any bills arrived? Please let me know if funds are needed. (Of course, I mean not regarding you!) It is a long weekend here, so Roar has three days off. I guess we will head home to [?] if you don’t invite us on Saturday? How goes the pyramid scheme?
Do you know that we have 11 channels here to choose from every evening? We are up to our necks with TV but I have to say there are some beautiful movies. They run from 10 in the morning to 5-6 AM the next day.
A response is requested within the next three years, otherwise it is too late.
PS. Kiss the kids. Would give a million dollars to look after them while you are at the gym.