THE END #TheSketchbookProject pages 36-39 #LyndaBarry #arttherapy

THE SKETCHBOOK PROJECT 2011 TOUR

Theme: And Then There Was None

Pages 36-39 and cover

December 30, 2010

9 AM

New Year approaches fast now and my head swims with to-do lists and the knowledge that I have to find a way to market myself that reflects what I need to make.  Never mind the concept of self-worth.  I’ll put that aside for now.  Waking up with no fear is an unfamiliar but desirable feeling.  If I can learn how to carry that with me throughout the day in order not to get blocked or distracted, that would also be desirable.  What has this journal taught me?  It has taught me to let go of perfect pages, to let the ugly out, to be who I am in the moment, to not compare myself to others but to enjoy what they bring and how sharing is much more profitable than competing.  It has taught me that it s OK to share these pages and accept the need to yell “look at me!”  These pages have been the most public journals I have done and I wonder how the process will continue after this.  Certainly the book did not turn into detailed stunning study of my favorite graphic novelists as I initially imagined.  I did keep in mind the concept of “and then there was none” and the concept of grief.  I did not need to address the theme of divorce/ loss of mom/ new chapters/ mourning/ fear of $ etc specifically in order to process.  The pages are less obvious than that.  The idea is to purge without censorship, to just do what the hand directs and accept the ugliness.  Tho’ I knew I  would share these pages, I did not feel the need to perform.  In fact, I was surprised how little that came into play.  The first page was started Oct 8/10.  These last 3 pages can be a celebration of reaching the end Dec 30/2010.  I will treat myself by simply ingesting Lynda Barry and regurgitating her onto these antique pages.  Last day of the year tomorrow = cover + shipping.


[I’ve decided to leave the cover blank]

Note: the antique book pages were purchased on ETSY from DIGITAL EXPRESSIONS & ARTFUL PAPERS!

For links to pages 1-31 go to LINK

To see page 32 go to PAGE 32

To see pages 33-35 go to PAGES 33-35

To see all the pages together go to LET THE UGLY OUT

Write and read anything… #TheSketchbookProject pages 33-35 #arttherapyforone

THE SKETCHBOOK PROJECT 2011 TOUR

Theme: And Then There Was None

Pages 33-35

December 28, 2010

Write and read anything…

Wasting prisoner went down stealing.

He needs to get away so we allowed the watermelon to hide.

I see a chance.

And he smile and answer all calm.

Monkey.  Thousand.  Choice.

Invent tales.

His choices need not affect me anymore.

They were not my choices.

Trust.

Mother.

The right side.

Sometimes there is so much pain that we try to avoid…

But it doesn’t stop…

If we turn to each other and in an honest moment say, “Please help me.  I’m not perfect.  I need help,” then the pain can be managed.

Note: the antique book pages were purchased on ETSY from DIGITAL EXPRESSIONS & ARTFUL PAPERS!

For links to pages 1-31 go to LINK

To see page 32 go to PAGE 32

Sometimes you have to stay home and cry. #Grief and #TheSketchbookProject pages 13/14

THE SKETCHBOOK PROJECT 2011 TOUR

Theme: And Then There Was None

Incoherent stream of consciousness ramblings…

Page 13 Transcript

November 19/20, 2010

The end is not the end.  It is a transition.

15:37

Fort Langley

My regular pilgrimage to Fort Langley to connect with mom and rituals we loved doing together.  Coming out by myself is good for me.  That it is OK to go out on your own without the need for other company.  LONELINESS is not part of ALONE TIME and I feel cozy as the hermit usually tend to be… Just ordered a large in house cappuccino and a scone at the local café.  I used to get nervous sitting by myself.  I recall the panic attack I had, pregnant with Anna in 1985.  I left my uneaten sandwich at the Sunshine Diner and fled.  It’s funny cause I never seek out friendships.  They happen if they happen but I do not go out of my way to connect, it seems.  Unless the friendship is somehow connected to my work/art, I’m afraid I couldn’t be bothered to maintain it or seek new ones cause I am so busy and pulled in so many directions that friendship has to equal multitasking… Ramblings of a weirdo… IKEA next.

Page 14 Transcript

November 22, 2010

Sometimes you have to stay home and cry.  Let me pick up two Stephen Levine books that have helped my through unbearable times.  Where does “Who Cares?” fall open to?  OMG- I just wrote “Who Cares?”  when the title is “Who Dies?”  [Wow].  It falls open to p. 147.  “We are each in a process of awakening.  Becoming fully born so that we may die each moment past our fear and isolation.  The illusion of separateness dies to reveal the deathlessness of our essential nature.”  “A Year to Live” falls open to p. 68.  “And offering me her shoulder she whispered, when a thousand people look at the moon there are a thousand moons.”

Today I take the day to recupe- to dare to take care of myself as I take care of my home.  I took apart Mormor’s (my mom’s mom) old bench to reveal the old cloth and stuffing.  Daring to look into the interior to face the loss of that time.

This was a grieving exercise for me today, as I battle dark feelings and instead decide to take some precious hours to think about mom.  I was raised with that little bench which sat for years at our summerhouse in Värmland.  It has been with me for years now and my father-in-law, Ralph, fixed the leg years ago and stripped it to its natural pine.  Over the years it has kept its original cloth underneath a myriad of covering.  I pulled it apart and found this amazing original stuffing which unfortunately is not keep-able.  It fell apart and sadly I threw it out, as I wonder what stories lie inside all those nooks and crannies.

The original cloth is a beautiful worn floral piece that reminds me so much of my grandmother, Stina (my “mormor”).

On the back of the board which held the stuffing and the cloth is a pastel drawing that I have always been fascinated with.  But who is “Gunnel”?  These are those heartbreaking moments when I realize I can’t ask Mom these questions anymore…

I was going to draw mom from this amazing photo taken in 1957, but I couldn’t do it.

Karin Kristina (Orwald) Thorsen, 1957 (age 21)

See page 1 at The Sketchbook Project page 1

See page 2 at The Sketchbook Project page 2

See page 3 at The Sketchbook Project page 3

See page 4 at The Sketchbook Project page 4

See page 5 at The Sketchbook Project page 5

See page 6 at The Sketchbook Project page 6

See page 7 at The Sketchbook Project page 7

See page 8 at The Sketchbook Project page 8

See page 9 at The Sketchbook Project page 9

See page 10 at The Sketchbook Project page 10

See pages 11/12 at The Sketchbook Project page 11/12

#TheSketchbookProject page 11/12 from @VanArtGallery visit and today’s sketch drenched in soy sauce

THE SKETCHBOOK PROJECT 2011 TOUR

Theme: And Then There Was None

Page 11 Transcript

October 23, 2010

10:49 AM

The trip to SF was so amazing that I think I went into mourning afterwards,  I finally have a few minutes to myself that I am setting aside to rework the pages I started in SF.

Page 12 Transcript

November 3, 2010

Vancouver Art Gallery with Sara plus students.

Idea: Photo field trip to cemetery.

Look up and Our Lives and Our Children by Robert Adams.

Everyday eyes seek aesthete shapes eyes see the hazy myth.

De Style 1993

Kerry James Marshall

1955- Paintings

1. Garden

2.Portraits

3. Angels- Souvenir series

Vignettes

Look up Souvenir I, 1997

Souvenir IV

“We mourn our loss”


Page 12 other side

November 19, 2010

See page 1 at The Sketchbook Project page 1

See page 2 at The Sketchbook Project page 2

See page 3 at The Sketchbook Project page 3

See page 4 at The Sketchbook Project page 4

See page 5 at The Sketchbook Project page 5

See page 6 at The Sketchbook Project page 6

See page 7 at The Sketchbook Project page 7

See page 8 at The Sketchbook Project page 8

See page 9 at The Sketchbook Project page 9

See page 10 at The Sketchbook Project page 10

#TheSketchbookProject page 10: Final day of #SanFrancisco trip part 2

THE SKETCHBOOK PROJECT 2011 TOUR

Theme: And Then There Was None

Page 10 Transcript

Monday October 11, 2010

18:03

Sitting at Gate 68 @SFO.  Anna left me at the security lineup.  We had an amazing time.  I need to believe that these anxiety moments are worth it.

Trust, trust, trust.

Does this need to cry imply fear?  Grief?  Loneliness?

Sighing.  Thinking about one year ago.

Recall our marvelous long weekend.  And know all is well and safe.

Plane is just arriving.  It’s little.  But I have a window seat and my new book.

18:24

October 11, 2010

About to board.

Email YWDC re: workshop idea.  Plan for October 25 show.  Plan for October 27 SFU w. S… and H….  Let J… P. know about button maker situation.  Mail box of monkeys to L….  Mail A… L…’s monkeys to S.A.  Email plus blog about Sockshop on Haight, about SFMOMA, about new idea.  Make Lorax prototype.  Buy foamcore.  Prep schedule.  Prep animation to-do’s.  Email I…/M…  Do bills/reconiling.  J…’s r… fee + queen size bed.  Make product.  Revamp ETSY.  New washing machine.

BOARDING.

Fear of Flying.

Boarding Anxiety.

Je suis une oiseaux.


See page 1 at The Sketchbook Project page 1

See page 2 at The Sketchbook Project page 2

See page 3 at The Sketchbook Project page 3

See page 4 at The Sketchbook Project page 4

See page 5 at The Sketchbook Project page 5

See page 6 at The Sketchbook Project page 6

See page 7 at The Sketchbook Project page 7

See page 8 at The Sketchbook Project page 8

See page 9 at The Sketchbook Project page 9

The Sketchbook Project page 9: Final day of #SanFrancisco trip…

THE SKETCHBOOK PROJECT 2011 TOUR

Theme: And Then There Was None

Page 9 Transcript

Monday October 11, 2010

9:27 AM.

Plans for today:

Centre is closed so Anna will drop off sock monkey tomorrow!

Pack –> drop off stuff to Aritzia –> after Farm Table –> Container Store –> Union Square –> Borders? –> Gallery (Maiden Lane) –> Gift Shop at [SF]MOMA –> walk by the centre –> Twitter –> Muni –> Safeway –> Church –> Sanchez –> Union Made (closed) 12 noon opening –> mall –> airport

11:50

October 11, 2010

@Annabelle’s Rest.  Container store was incredible!  SOMA district –> Mission district

14:50

In Maiden Lane @Bistro 69 (closed to traffic Fashion Lane sponsored by Chanel)

Visit to SFMOMA was incredible.  Recall: Kahlo’s wedding portrait, Paul Klee, Rothko, Calder [?], Kahlo wedding cookies.

16:56 @Peet’s Coffee @airport.  Checked in. [Anna added “Sad Face” :(]


See page 1 at The Sketchbook Project page 1

See page 2 at The Sketchbook Project page 2

See page 3 at The Sketchbook Project page 3

See page 4 at The Sketchbook Project page 4

See page 5 at The Sketchbook Project page 5

See page 6 at The Sketchbook Project page 6

See page 7 at The Sketchbook Project page 7

See page 8 at The Sketchbook Project page 8

The Sketchbook Project page 8, and mysterious photos from #MysteryMister

THE SKETCHBOOK PROJECT 2011 TOUR

Theme: And Then There Was None

Page 8 Transcript

Sunday October 10, 2010

21:22

PJ’s and Arrested Development.

Already missing Anna even tho we still have tomorrow and she is coming to Vancouver for Halloween.  I need to look into anxiety tools.  Redo pages with watercolor a la Lynda Barry.  Woke up with a panic attack at 5:45.

Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind.

– William Wordsworth

Eldon Braun

Are you him?

Vintage photographs purchased  during my trip with Anna to the amazing store: Mystery Mister 1506 Haight Street, San Francisco.

Here is the doll I REALLY wanted to buy but didn’t.  REGRET!

I bought a bundle of old photos that I find exceptionally inspiring.

The photo in this Sketchbook Project entry had some writing in pencil in the back, indicating that the man is “Eldon Braun, son of Eldon Braun, Sr.”

When I searched “Eldon Braun, San Francisco” online, I came across the following obit:

Eldon [Braun] was born on May 28, 1943 and passed away on Friday, February 19, 2010.  Eldon was last known to be living in San Francisco, California. (source)

There are discussions online about Eldon Braun arrested for false passport at San Francisco airport (source)  and ‘Detecting Criminal Minds: At deaths of active Sociopaths (e.g. Dave Bird, Eldon Braun), other Sociopaths come forward to praise these’ (source) and Eldon was one of my favorite critics of scientology, someone I loved and admired. He was a good man and I will truely miss him. (sourceFASCINATING!

BE SURE TO VISIT MYSTERY MISTER’s ETSY STORE!

See page 1 at The Sketchbook Project page 1

See page 2 at The Sketchbook Project page 2

See page 3 at The Sketchbook Project page 3

See page 4 at The Sketchbook Project page 4

See page 5 at The Sketchbook Project page 5

See page 6 at The Sketchbook Project page 6

See page 7 at The Sketchbook Project page 7

Photo source

The Sketchbook Project page 7

THE SKETCHBOOK PROJECT 2011 TOUR

Theme: And Then There Was None

Page 7 Transcript

Sunday October 10, 2010

9:17 Golden Gate

Early Risers.

Early Breakfast.

Early Start.

It’s bizarre for me just to relax into it.  Instead of racing the mind to guilt and self-critique, breathe into the moment, not letting the default setting on anxiety cloud the mind and my potential for success.  Don’t gauge everything by the future fear of money issues.  How is that helpful?

Dare to self: BE COCKY AND SELF-ASSURED.

13:45

On the ferry to Sausalito!  Had latté at Farm Table –> Union Square –> walked over Nob Hill to Fisherman’s Wharf –> lunch at Ferry Building –> 1:25 PM Ferry –> long walk in Sausalito –> beautiful lunch/dinner at Poggio at Casamondria Hotel/Spa

18:34

On the ferry back!  Theme of the day: walking, good coffee, good food, crowds

Friday November 12, 2010

Will I open my eyes to it or do I already have them open?  Do I see better by looking into the darkness?  If I remain silent, will it not be true?  Is she here?  I need to say yes.


See page 1 at The Sketchbook Project page 1

See page 2 at The Sketchbook Project page 2

See page 3 at The Sketchbook Project page 3

See page 4 at The Sketchbook Project page 4

See page 5 at The Sketchbook Project page 5

See page 6 at The Sketchbook Project page 6

See page 7 at The Sketchbook Project page 7

See page 8 at The Sketchbook Project page 8

 

The Sketchbook Project page 6


Before


After


THE SKETCHBOOK PROJECT 2011 TOUR

Theme: And Then There Was None

Page 6 Transcript

Saturday October 9, 2010

[Anna writes:]

Bia’s on Haight and Belvedere

We ordered 2- Coronas 2-waters 1 Mozzarella Salad

My fave!  Love!  Munchkin Kat!!!

<– Some of our salad

[I write:]

16:25 October 9/10

–> Off to Sockshop!

To Haight Ashbury for lots of shopping (recall shopping @ Hayes Village as well!) –> bus home –> Anna made dinner after we skyped with Julian.  Now we are watching A Single Man.


See page 1 at The Sketchbook Project page 1

See page 2 at The Sketchbook Project page 2

See page 3 at The Sketchbook Project page 3

See page 4 at The Sketchbook Project page 4

See page 5 at The Sketchbook Project page 5

See page 6 at The Sketchbook Project page 6

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See page 8 at The Sketchbook Project page 8

 

The Sketchbook Project page 5

THE SKETCHBOOK PROJECT 2011 TOUR

Theme: And Then There Was None

Page 5 Transcript

Saturday October 9, 2010

Plan for today:  Leave 11 AM

Hayes Valley –> 12:40 Castro “Lime” Lunch at 1 PM –> Castro Street –> 3 PM bus Mosaic to Haight Ashbury –> shop –> 6 PM –> Filmore Str (Haight & Cole Street Bus 71 to Filmore St –> 22 Filmore?)

13:07 October 9, 2010

@ Stacks Comfortable Food 501 Hayes Street

Recall amazing phone call with Julian this morning!  Another new chapter! 🙂

Vintage shopping @ Verunica

Anna notices that Tenderloin pigeons have one leg!

Anna’s new blogs

RawFabFash Just pictures

I Need a Social Life– one sentence blog about People, Places, Things.


Monkey Drawing inspired by Lynda Barry‘s new book: Picture This (Drawn and Quarterly)

See page 1 at The Sketchbook Project page 1

See page 2 at The Sketchbook Project page 2

See page 3 at The Sketchbook Project page 3

See page 4 at The Sketchbook Project page 4

See page 5 at The Sketchbook Project page 5

See page 6 at The Sketchbook Project page 6

See page 7 at The Sketchbook Project page 7

See page 8 at The Sketchbook Project page 8

 

The Sketchbook Project page 4

THE SKETCHBOOK PROJECT 2011 TOUR

Theme: And Then There Was None

Page 4 Transcript

Friday October 8, 2010

Westfield San Francisco Centre

At Borders under the dome

16:54

Look up Hans Fallada “The Drinker” and “Everyman Dies Alone”

17:04

Anna is almost done.  Time for Whole Foods and an opening tonight.

There is a lady sleeping in the lounge chair beside me.  Obviously recovering from her cancer treatment.  Recall the delicate beauty of mom as she took such care to dress beautifully and do makeup right up until after her last Thanksgiving.  Then she let go and so did we.  I still have her hair curlers/comb/purse/cell phone etc.  What does it all mean?

20:29

We walked home then out to Sushi Rocks (after visiting Leftovers and buying a horn).  Great dinner.  Then Whole Foods (after running into Anna’s co-worker Ashley).  Grocery shopping then just got back.  Talked to Morf  (who had gotten a funny phonecall from us by accident as we were hugging in the airport!) (now going to The Social Network).

Recall the African Doll lady.

NOTE: The photo is from a collection of vintage family photos I found at MYSTERY MISTER 1506 Haight Street, San Francisco

See page 1 at The Sketchbook Project page 1

See page 2 at The Sketchbook Project page 2

See page 3 at The Sketchbook Project page 3

See page 4 at The Sketchbook Project page 4

See page 5 at The Sketchbook Project page 5

See page 6 at The Sketchbook Project page 6

See page 7 at The Sketchbook Project page 7

See page 8 at The Sketchbook Project page 8

 

The Sketchbook Project page 3

THE SKETCHBOOK PROJECT 2011 TOUR

Theme: And Then There Was None

Page 3 Transcript

Friday October 8, 2010

Westfield San Francisco Centre

At Nordstrom Espresso Bar

2010 October 2010

15:52

San Francisco

What do I think of when I think of “and then there was none”?  When I first chose the theme I thought about

  1. Mom’s death
  2. The official end of the divorce.  Support payments stopped.
  3. My childhood
  4. My kids growing up.

Hilarious to get this forced time to start the Sketchbook in a mall in San Fran.

Achy body.  Must take Tylenol.

Maybe I could think about “and then there was none”:

DEPENDENCE

No more trying too hard.

More letting go.

More surrender.

More trust.

More trust.

More trust.

More trust.

No more fears no more barriers no more self criticism no more money worries no more undervaluing myself no more exhaustion or being pulled in too many directions no more obscurity or misunderstanding.


See page 1 at The Sketchbook Project page 1

See page 2 at The Sketchbook Project page 2

See page 3 at The Sketchbook Project page 3

See page 4 at The Sketchbook Project page 4

See page 5 at The Sketchbook Project page 5

See page 6 at The Sketchbook Project page 6

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See page 8 at The Sketchbook Project page 8

 

The Sketchbook Project page 2

THE SKETCHBOOK PROJECT 2011 TOUR

Theme: And Then There Was None

Page 2 Transcript

Friday October 8, 2010

Westfield San Francisco Centre

Karin • Kristina • Mamma

It’s almost been 2 years since mom passed away.  I have never really written about those last moments.  For they were not “last.”  But all of a sudden– Mom’s powerful presence in our life changed.  I felt her breathe out.  Her heart slowed and stopped.  I was there with my head on her chest.  And we surrounded her with love and support and her spirit infused us.  It is actually impossible to grasp.  How does life continue after that?  And is it OK to actually feel free and perhaps free-er?  Heart

I miss just talking to Mom.  Just about the kids and laundry and food and life.  I miss the chatter and the camaraderie and the “I get it” and the simple stuff.  We could talk about kids.

I miss my own childhood.  The safety + fun or being the kid.

Collection for more pages:

See page 1 at The Sketchbook Project page 1

See page 2 at The Sketchbook Project page 2

See page 3 at The Sketchbook Project page 3

See page 4 at The Sketchbook Project page 4

See page 5 at The Sketchbook Project page 5

See page 6 at The Sketchbook Project page 6

See page 7 at The Sketchbook Project page 7

See page 8 at The Sketchbook Project page 8

 

The Sketchbook Project page 1

I started the Sketchbook Project at YVR. Here is the original page, which I added to today. See below

THE SKETCHBOOK PROJECT 2011 TOUR

Theme: And Then There Was None

Page 1 Transcript

8:16 AM

Friday October 8, 2010

Gate 83 @YVR

I promised myself I would start this journal at the aiport on my way to visit Anna.  It will be a place to process grief.  A place to address loss and allow myself to sit with it and move forward.  The key is to stay free.

My theme: “and then there was none.”

15:04

Met Anna at the airport!

Took BART to Westfield mall.  Walked to Anna’s apartment.  Changed.  Ate at a cute little place [Farm Table].  Now Anna is at work and I spent $ on myself on clothes.  Typical me stuff.

Feeling anxious as I already miss Anna even tho I’m here.

It’s over and I miss their childhood, my mom, my innocence.  I do not miss my marriage.  Is that bad?

A year ago she left the nest and Julian is growing and working.  Wow.  “And then there was none.”  I must take time to grieve and celebrate my new role as mom.

See page 2 at The Sketchbook Project page 2

See page 3 at The Sketchbook Project page 3

See page 4 at The Sketchbook Project page 4

See page 5 at The Sketchbook Project page 5

See page 6 at The Sketchbook Project page 6

See page 7 at The Sketchbook Project page 7

See page 8 at The Sketchbook Project page 8