Turning point: reflections on triggers. Part 2- (re)discovery

This week I have been exploring triggers in my life– their roles as fodder for creative work, their potential to help in self-development and their ability to create turning points.

Recall:

Part 1- archives

Part 2 (RE)DISCOVERY

As I mentioned in Part 1, a random journal entry may bring me to my knees.

I was organizing my studio the other day and came across a 1998 letter from my father (in the days before email- he always sent faxes)…

But…

Hmmm…

I was going to share it here.  But I am not ready.

It’s about my mother– and my father was reminding me of my responsibility to her for her emotional well-being.  A role I carried most my life.  The pain that this reminder from the past causes me is still too intense.

 And something- perhaps my mom’s spirit- is not letting me share it here.

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It does, however, give me clues as to who I am, who I was as a daughter, who I was in my marriage, why I was this way and that, what I have lost, what I have gained, the beauty of forgiveness and redemption, the intensity of family bonds, my need for alone time, my need for freedom.  Though the letter triggered deep pain that threw me for a loop last week, I am grateful for the reminder, the time spent examining, utilizing the pain, and staying neutral.

And spending sweet time remembering.  Remembering how incredibly beautiful my relationship with my parents became.

No unfinished business.

And I love feeling their presence.

So I suppose I am grateful for that particular trigger…

And the turning point?

It was the (re)discovery of that fax.

Realization.

That I am free.

Nothing’s lost forever. In this world, there’s a kind of painful progress. Longing for what we’ve left behind, and dreaming ahead. At least I think that’s so.

― Tony Kushner, Angels in America, Part Two: Perestroika

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