I feel tired, excited, more peaceful- but tired and worn.  I am indeed— worn out.  Maybe it’s muscle memory.  Anniversary grief catching up.  This time last year- JEEEEZUS.

Accepting, surrendering, packing, moving, bankruptcy, no money.  That week with no home.  The incredible support from family and friends.

“You need  to finish your book here,” the caretaker Bill said, as we applied for this apartment.  I recall that sense of trust that infused my heart.  That knowledge that Molly was leading the way.  How else to explain the unique way we landed at Chilco and Nelson?

Tobey has slowed down so much since last summer.  We don’t walk around the lagoon like we used to.  But yet I am attached to the park more than ever.  Its mysteries.  Its seasons.  The life evolving, repeating.

It’s been about Molly for so many years.  12 years almost.  And so life is evolving, altering its course to allow me to step fully into it.

To be the artist I need to be to finish it.

To be the artist I need to be to finish Matthew’s project.

To teach youth (on my terms now).

To facilitate (on my terms now).

To be the mom I need to be.

To be the aunt I need to be.

1o minutes.  Just rambling.  The pen moves across the paper from left to right.  Rides along the creative process.  Attaches.  Moves through.

I am very aware of my excitement, overwhelmingness, embarrassment, vulnerableness as I place myself “out there.”  As I submit proposals that ask for $ that I finally BELIEVE reflects my value.  It is exciting to submit.  Not terrifying.  Right?

The angst is excitement.  Positive churning.

It need not happen— the idea.  The proposal.  It will be what it is.

Such a difficult, beautiful, invigorating year.  Cleansing.  However long it has taken me, I have always taken the opportunities and certainly tried to problem solve.  To figure it out.  To survive.  Kudos.