Journal entry July 20, 2019
Sometimes I feel overwhelming sadness that has a type of mystery and release. Perhaps it’s [binging] Queer Eye S4 that hits me in my most vulnerable low self-esteem spots, maybe it’s seeing Squeak lose weight and anticipating losing her…
… maybe it’s the awe of knowing I am… have overcome incredible hurdles and life markers and I am at the last 20-30 years of my life [if I am lucky] and I am struck by both the relief and the unknown AND the temptation to retreat further into my cave.
I try to share creative collaboration ideas and afterwards I feel embarrassed and want to cut myself off even further. I feel ashamed by my enthusiasm and in my heart I know it is all just a process and probably won’t result in anything anyway- so why try. Plus I want [an] autonomy that [seemingly] clashes with my manic oversharing.
I am still “detoxing” from IG and FB. I was feeling like I had no authentic place [there] plus was [honestly] sick of [the me] in it.
So what is the relationship with the blog? I need to make it mine again. Ask not for whom the blog tolls, for it tolls for me.
Then I remember that I can do WHATEVER I want in my ART. WHATEVER WHATEVER WHATEVER I want. I can FAIL, I can SUCCEED, I can DO, I can WRITE, DRAW, CREATE whatever I… I… I want. I can SHARE whatever I want [about me]. I can feel dumb and ashamed and excited and inspired. And just FLOW with it.
I AM STILL HERE BREATHING, BEING
ACCEPT IT ALL
But please please please [Nina] hold your head HIGH.
Be yourself. Be that little 2-year old finding her voice and raging and laughing with/at the world and finding your place.
You are allowed to rage, laugh, feel.