I have visited and revisited the inner critic here on my blog again and again. The inner critic is a good friend of mine. And also a pain in the ass.
Recall the journal exercises in “TAMING THE INNER CRITIC” JOURNAL EXERCISE REVISITED
But the inner critic is always worth a revisit. I’ve been mulling over this particular journaling series and weighing what it is I’d like to share with you and why. And to do it in a new way. So I have broken the series into 6 parts:
Each exercise starts with ajournal entry and/or mindmap. Then we look at the emotions that come up as we share openly. I encourage you to experiment by sharing your thoughts in the comments here. Share your rants and judgements. Judge me freely; judge yourself. It’s all good. Let’s demystify. Let’s take off the mask. Let’s remove the hesitation.
INNER CRITIC series part 1 of 6: RANT:
As always I share myself here freely. This was a rant I wrote on the weekend. I was going to delete it. Was going to cross it out. But instead, in the spirit of allowing me to VOICE what churns inside, I will share it. Then in the spirit of this exercise, I will share the emotions that come up for me.
JOURNAL EXERCISE: RANT WITHOUT HESITATION. DON’T WORRY ABOUT AUDIENCE. OR ABOUT COMING OFF AS ENTITLED OR WHATEVER. EXPRESS FREELY. LET THE UGLY OUT.
MY JOURNAL ENTRY (unedited):
Do we always need to let go? To trust the universe? I’m kind of sick of it, honestly. All this accepting, trusting, allowing.
Yet I am also tired of fighting for what I am worth and tired of trying again. Tired of the signals that want to prove to me I am incapable. Tired of talking. Tired of digging deep.
Tired of this:
“Here’s another idea. Let’s try this. Oh, it didn’t work? That’s OK. Let it go. You tried too hard. Let it unfold.”
Why does a watched pot never boil? BOIL DAMMIT.
Or maybe this all means, I actually haven’t dug deep enough. Tried enough. I’ve been digging. I’ve been trying. But maybe I’ve been too much of a pussy. Maybe I have no idea how to let go. Maybe I don’t really believe I am worth more than $1800/month. Asch. BLAH BLAH BLAH.
In 2015, I want to MAKE MONEY. I want to be able to say- wow- I deserve this for I believe I am worth this and my bank account reflects that.
I don’t want my current salary to be the proving of my theorem that I am incapable of being paid more. I don’t want to depend on my kids. I don’t want to check the mail box anymore for hopes of scraps. I no longer want to be proven that “you know, really, creative arts and youth work don’t deserve to receive more- yeah… you do great things, but isn’t the goodness of it the real reward?” I don’t want to hear about budgets and lack there of. I don’t want accolades for work well done while still having my heart in my throat about not being able to pay the rent.
I don’t want to chase. I want it to come to me. I don’t want to ask. I want to receive!
I KNOW WE ALL STRUGGLE. I don’t want anyone to struggle. I know the world is a beautiful and horrifying place.
I remember to breathe. To pat myself on the back for journaling it out. To remind myself to trust, allow, expand…
Ah, fuck it. What do I know?
I look around and am reminded of my beautiful, messy creative life. I savour it. You know, I love that I am a messy creative that struggles. I love that I affect people positively as they awaken to their own possibilities.
I wouldn’t change anything about the journey that brings me to this moment.
OK, breathe. I am grateful. But I’ll just go check the mailbox one more time.
EMOTIONS THAT RESULT AS YOU REVIEW : WHAT COMES UP FOR YOU AS YOU READ BACK? WE WILL ADDRESS THESE IN PART 2.