I have visited and revisited the inner critic here on my blog again and again. The inner critic is a good friend of mine. And also a pain in the ass.
Recall the journal exercises in “TAMING THE INNER CRITIC” JOURNAL EXERCISE REVISITED
But the inner critic is always worth a revisit. I’ve been mulling over this particular journaling series and weighing what it is I’d like to share with you and why. And to do it in a new way. So I have broken the series into 6 parts:
Each exercise starts with ajournal entry and/or mindmap. Then we look at the emotions that come up as we share openly. I encourage you to experiment by sharing your thoughts in the comments here. Share your rants and judgements. Judge me freely; judge yourself. It’s all good. Let’s demystify. Let’s take off the mask. Let’s remove the hesitation.
INNER CRITIC series part 1 of 6: RANT:
As always I share myself here freely. This was a rant I wrote on the weekend. I was going to delete it. Was going to cross it out. But instead, in the spirit of allowing me to VOICE what churns inside, I will share it. Then in the spirit of this exercise, I will share the emotions that come up for me.
JOURNAL EXERCISE: RANT WITHOUT HESITATION. DON’T WORRY ABOUT AUDIENCE. OR ABOUT COMING OFF AS ENTITLED OR WHATEVER. EXPRESS FREELY. LET THE UGLY OUT.
MY JOURNAL ENTRY (unedited):
Do we always need to let go? To trust the universe? I’m kind of sick of it, honestly. All this accepting, trusting, allowing.
Yet I am also tired of fighting for what I am worth and tired of trying again. Tired of the signals that want to prove to me I am incapable. Tired of talking. Tired of digging deep.
Tired of this:
“Here’s another idea. Let’s try this. Oh, it didn’t work? That’s OK. Let it go. You tried too hard. Let it unfold.”
Why does a watched pot never boil? BOIL DAMMIT.
Or maybe this all means, I actually haven’t dug deep enough. Tried enough. I’ve been digging. I’ve been trying. But maybe I’ve been too much of a pussy. Maybe I have no idea how to let go. Maybe I don’t really believe I am worth more than $1800/month. Asch. BLAH BLAH BLAH.
In 2015, I want to MAKE MONEY. I want to be able to say- wow- I deserve this for I believe I am worth this and my bank account reflects that.
I don’t want my current salary to be the proving of my theorem that I am incapable of being paid more. I don’t want to depend on my kids. I don’t want to check the mail box anymore for hopes of scraps. I no longer want to be proven that “you know, really, creative arts and youth work don’t deserve to receive more- yeah… you do great things, but isn’t the goodness of it the real reward?” I don’t want to hear about budgets and lack there of. I don’t want accolades for work well done while still having my heart in my throat about not being able to pay the rent.
I don’t want to chase. I want it to come to me. I don’t want to ask. I want to receive!
I KNOW WE ALL STRUGGLE. I don’t want anyone to struggle. I know the world is a beautiful and horrifying place.
I remember to breathe. To pat myself on the back for journaling it out. To remind myself to trust, allow, expand…
Ah, fuck it. What do I know?
I look around and am reminded of my beautiful, messy creative life. I savour it. You know, I love that I am a messy creative that struggles. I love that I affect people positively as they awaken to their own possibilities.
I wouldn’t change anything about the journey that brings me to this moment.
OK, breathe. I am grateful. But I’ll just go check the mailbox one more time.
EMOTIONS THAT RESULT AS YOU REVIEW : WHAT COMES UP FOR YOU AS YOU READ BACK? WE WILL ADDRESS THESE IN PART 2.
powerful post my friend. so appreciate your honesty. And looking forward to celebrating your flowing financial abundance in 2015 and beyond 🙂