Three years ago, with shaky hand, but empowered to move my life forward, I signed bankruptcy papers. And my grown children and I signed a lease for a magical apartment in the West End. There have been dark moments since that have terrified me as I processed and struggled, but also so much lightness and so much joy. SO MUCH GROWTH.
We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations. – Anaïs Nin
I have found solace in journaling, in my art, my passion project, in my crafting, in my children, in my family, my friends, and in my trustee who assured that embracing my rights to clear my debts was the best decision. She empowered me with her kindness and love.
There I was, three years ago, with my binder in order and signing those papers, absolutely open and vulnerable. And I began the slow unfolding process of leaving behind one kind of living and moving into a kind that leans towards simplicity and focus.
I recall this poem I wrote three years ago:
I thought I was holding on to this ONE life I knew.
My heart feeling the weight of having died a thousand deaths.
I thought I was the tree, whose roots dug so deep,
So deep that it was surely invincible.
I thought I was the tree that houses the egg,
Providing a safe place in which to grow,
and from which to leave.
I thought my role was to grow deep roots,
and multiple branches,
and rich green leaves.
I thought I felt the a pain of my roots being cut,
my body toppled.
But I have died a thousand deaths.
And I know now that I am one of the birds.
And as the roots are cut, and the tree is toppled,
My leaves turn to wings,
the wings of thousands of birds.
And I fly.