Journal entry: In DEBT yes, but inDEBTed to art as well.

I have been experiencing chronic anxiety [or more than usual] of late.  I am better able to sit with it [not perfect by any means, for at times I am debilitated by it] and to ride through just the physical symptoms.

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Many changes are happening in my life- there are new developments in my art career [including GREAT STUFF with by post street] but I am still working on everything else I’ve been working on until I can transition fully into self-employment.  And I carry a caseload  of youth I care deeply about but that weighs on my mind.  So, no doubt, I am overtired.  I never stop.

Besides having physical issues that cause anxiety, and a schedule that hasn’t allowed for down time, and an over-loaded brain and fatigue etc- what I have is debt.  Financial fucking debt.  This is from years and years of insufficient income.  It’s been a lopsided exchange of energy.  And admittedly at times I feel I am drowning.  Giant sums of debt.  No wonder I feel anxious.  Duh.  I accept this and allow it.

A person with Generalized Anxiety Disorder gets tricked into trying to stop the unwanted “what if?” thoughts, rather than accepting them and taking care of present business as thoughts come and go. [source]

I am getting there in bettering my relationship with money.  A long journey ahead for sure, but the right brain business plan demystified so many things and as a result, my daughter and I created a tight, well-received document.  There are great new things happening now, the moment has arrived and great new things just around the corner, but holding on till then and juggling trying to survive is taking its toll.  My heart feels cheese-grated.   I am tired of the juggling.

But luckily, I have my tools.  And I am learning self-acceptance.  And I have my ART.  When I draw, I am free.  When I sew I am free.  And when I do both, I am working on the career, which is remarkable.  I accept that Molly will unfold as she needs to.  I don’t force it, nor can I worry about it.  I find solace in my journal…

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I find strength in allowing my weakness.  And I remind myself to take micro-steps towards my goals when I am overwhelmed.   This is not about “I don’t want to be like this anymore.”  It’s about “This is me.  I accept who I am and I am ready to embrace and work with it and rise out of debt into a balanced relationship with money.”

So yes, I am in debt- inDEBTed to the gift of having a creative, artistic soul.  ART is my greatest asset, my greatest strength, my ticket out of debt, my ride to freedom.

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“And then my soul saw you and it kind of went: Oh there you are. I’ve been looking for you.” – ANON

 

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