This daily archiving series is about organizing and dating my journal collection, as well as acknowledging the self-directed violence as important therapeutic shadow work. Processing my projections and darkness.
There is much joy in the pages. There is also a lot of pain. I try not to judge my younger self. Who I was then, who I am now- inseparable. I continue to be sculpted.
Some pages are just… yuck. In particular, the divorce process.
Holy fucking shit. I have come a long way. Big breath in, big breath out and release.
Today: Journal Start Date September 1, 2004
September 1, 2004
Interacting leaves me tired. I’ve got to start anew, again.
September 4, 2004
Maybe this is my lesson. That I can be right. To not diminish my rightness. Recall the Seattle bus incident and dumbing myself down to appease J____.
There is new grief and loss with each lesson learned. Did I waste all that energy silencing myself? Afraid to argue? Afraid to hurt others? Is this not me trying to control?! Is this not passive-aggressive on my part?! Does it not diminish me when I try to avoid conflict?
September 8, 2004
The feeling of being in limbo is itself a loss. Even if the situation turns out fine.
September 13, 2004
Can one express anger yet remain eloquently silent?
“I forgive you.” What does this mean? To me it means letting go of the past and its negative power over me. It means accepting all of it – good, bad, beautiful, ugly – and understanding it has shaped me…
Safe space. This is what I have created for myself and my children within the walls of my home. Can I extend this to my interaction with others in my life?
Therapy notes: I and Other- presence, but maintaining I. Read Harriet Lerner’s “Dance with Anger” and the children’s book, “The Giving Tree.” PTSD, years of process, grieving, trauma, caregiving. Unprocessed grief. How to accept anger, express it, control it. Tactile, values, routine –> MUST divorce, in all its definitions. Art, analysis, family ties, self-confidence, decisions, archetypes, concrete examples, suicide, choices, independence, disentangling.
September 15, 2004
What are my goals?
My children’s independence, to write books, to work with teens, self-sufficiency, quiet life. Muteness.
September 26, 2004
Had a meeting over coffee on the porch at Mamma and Pappa. Pappa and I felt like there was a light directing us back to routine, back to excitement over work.
October 3, 2004
The seven drops [from “The Out of Sync Child has Fun”]
- Drop your voice
- Drop your body
- Drop your TV remote
- Drop your guard
- Drop your defenses
- Drop your batteries
- Drop your misconceptions.