Unnecessary Violence and Ramblings- archiving of my Shadow Work Journals 1986 to present: Samples 22 to 37, Composition Books and To-Do Lists

This daily archiving series is about organizing and dating my journal collection. Today’s samples are a series of composition books that served more as to-do lists. They merge work with daily life. [Deeper journals were being recorded elsewhere on large drawings and mind maps.]

 See previous samples:

Unnecessary Violence Project Explanation and Sample 1 Oct 21, 1992

Sample 2 Date Dec 15 1994

Sample 3 May 16, 2000

Sample 4 August 14, 2002

Sample 5 June 13, 1990

Sample 6 August 23, 2019

Sample 7 December 17, 1995

Sample 8 October 23, 1995

Sample 9 September 1, 2004

Sample 10 September 6, 1999

Sample 11 November 6, 1989

Sample 12 October 23, 2001

Sample 13 October 22, 1993

Sample 14 April 20, 2013

Sample 15 January 31, 1997

Sample 16 January 5, 2012

Sample 17 January 1, 1992

Sample 18 June 14, 2000

Sample 19 November 29,2000

Sample 20 October 22, 1994

Sample 21 February 15, 2002

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Today: Journals, Composition Books between April 2014 to October 2019

April 6 2014

Procrastination Rules

  1. Get a composition book – just get it
  2. Collect some writing and drawing supplies – don’t need to use them
  3. Collect all your to-do’s in a basket- if they fit in a basket
  4. Make a book pile – impressive
  5. Grab a coffee and your phone
  6. Collect some shit to eventually glue into your new composition book
  7. Go on Instagram
  8. Reheat the coffee

Slingshot Metaphor: I’ve been mulling over the image for a few days now. I recognize a theme happening for so many of us right now, certainly for me – feeling like I am being pulled backwards, just when I thought I had it all figured out and within my reach. Being pulled back into revisiting so many triggers from the past, reconnecting with so many people from the past. Weighed down by the same old fear of not being able to make ends met. Humiliated of not being able to access funds that are waiting. Feeling undervalued, not ready to ask questions. All this stuff/imagery/photos/film/video memories being revisited yet again. I want to say “Alright, I leave you now. You’re not serving me anymore.” I am being pulled so taut, so thin, so vaporized. Until finally there must be a true letting go and I will shoot forward  from past the past the past, to new heights. SEE YA. 

November 24 2014

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Moss in time… in time… the root overtakes the bone and pulls it down past the moss and the rock and the roots and the decay away and overlay and sun though the leaves offers pockets of hope and the shoot and the root crush under the boot. Here. Hear! HEAR! HERE!

February 20, 2015

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February 20, 2015

Sitting at Starbucks at Cornwall, waiting for Anna. Julian is out with his friend. Tobey is in the car and Asterix at home in his cage. I tend to keep those 4 in my thoughts all the time – checking in. Tobey is definitely aging quickly and writing it down makes it more real and inevitable. He’s just so representative of my connection with Pappa especially as I compare their two journeys of winding down towards the end of life.

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I feel tired, excited, more peaceful, but tired and worn. Fridays tend to be so. Reflecting days. My days. So the body inevitably relaxes into migraine mode. I am worn out. This time last year – Jesus Christ. Accepting surrendering, packing, moving, bankruptcy, no money. No home.

” You need to finish your book here,” the caretaker Bill said as we looked at our potential apartment.

I recall:

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May 29, 2015

“Every true story ends in death.” – Ernest Hemingway

June 12, 2015

Will I ever be able to pay my bills with ease, to travel at leisure, to feel successful, to never worry about money because my ideas/projects flourish? Do I stay on this oasis island that is me: asexual, isolated, alone, alive, anxious? I LIKE IT HERE. 

July 2015

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July 10, 1015

Repeated patterns, finding your true self, understanding the root causes of why you find yourself repeatedly in the same situation and how over time we are able to change the pattern, break the cycle, to create a new perspective, a new route, to look at the same situation with new eyes to alter the thoughts process by a simple 180 alteration to at least try a different way…

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July 27, 2015

Act as if… Dear me,

You now stand fully naked, fully present, fully you.  Gone are the shackles that pulled you downwards into self-doubting, crippling anxiety.  No longer do you hesitate before expressing.  But most importantly, no longer do you collapse in shame and doubt after you expressed yourself.  

Speaking your truth used to cause you to feel like you were choking on amniotic fluid.  Felt like it came at a price.  

Now you can breathe in and breathe out with open mouth, open nostrils, open sinuses, open throat, open heart, open eyes, open mind without fear.  

You release your truth, your art, your work onto and into the world and receive back the conversations/communications with an open and fearless heart- a heart that is ready to dialogue.  

Your work used to require boundaries.  Your life used to comprise of self-imposed boundaries to protect your heart from rejection and loss.  But now you are boundless.  And so the work you have built on awakening creative expression in others- a gift you truly were born with and have worked so tirelessly to deliver- takes on a new level on a global scale.  You are not in need of accolades.  You are simply expressing, thereby allowing others to feel the same freedom.  It need no longer be frontline work (in person), it is a new principle and way of living.  

Full presence.  

You have taken all the heartache, all the joy, all the blood and guts of life and built a mission and vision that has created true abundance.  

You will never be anxiety-free and you will never not have heart-shattering challenges, but you now have a giant delicious toolbox with which to meet those challenges and easily process, die into them and rebirth from them.  You are truly living with ease.  

All is as it should be.  

Congratulations.  

Love, me 

July 2015

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November 2015

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June 2016

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August 18, 2016

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July 2017

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September 2017

October 2017

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November 5, 2017

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September 2018

“Don’t worry. He won’t get far on foot.” – Gus van Sant

May 1, 2019

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May 18, 2019

Saturdays I tend to have– a type of Saturday Migraine– what I call- spiritual migraines- as the time to myself hits after sleeping in an extra hour after a full week of so much output– I can either be in euphoric creative mode, or despair/exhaustion.  Of course, I enjoy the euphoria.  I get a lot done!  The despair tends to look like this:

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Today I did have plans.  Several of them were canceled.  And instead of filling up the space with other get together requests– I took a walk alone, checked in on the herons, and settled myself here on a rock at Second Beach.

What do I hear?

Seagulls, small birds, bike bells, this paper, crows, planes, squeaky  bike wheels, waves, boats, jet skis, children by the water, people on the seawall.

The tide is out and I am surrounded by tide pools.

I am not depressed today.  I am not euphoric.  I don’t owe anybody my time today.  I don’t need to hear anyone’s despair, or help organize their thoughts.  Even my own.

October 5, 2019

 

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