This daily archiving series is about organizing and dating my journal collection, as well as acknowledging the self-directed violence as important therapeutic shadow work.
It is important to note that I had extraordinary relationships with my parents. We had many adventures and they were integral in making me who I am, helping me raise my children and being enthusiastic collaborators in many of my projects.
In the last years of both their lives, I was caregiver but also a loved and celebrated daughter and we were very, very close. They died (Mom Nov 2008 and Dad Oct 2012) with my heart feeling full of love and being loved and with no unfinished business.
HOWEVER, throughout the journals there is a lot of pain. Many moments I have completely forgotten – so it is astounding to find them in my journals. And how remarkable to find that the latest two, Sample 15 and 16, random selections from the shelf, are very connected.
This process is becoming more important than I initially expected. I am exploring the past. Wrapping it up. I know I am about to launch into something very special as a result.
Today: Journal Start Date January 5, 2012
January 10, 2012
Sitting at the airport Starbucks. Julian made it through customs, on his way to Durango. Anna on her way to Mexico. The kids’ lives are expanding and it is truly incredible.
January 14, 2012
My thoughts are leaning towards creating a journal series around mothers and daughters and processing my relationship with Mamma. It’s time to dig into the boxes and face the emotions that come up around that. I want to focus on the legacy of being fiercely loved, being the child of an alcoholic. Feeling the pressures around witnessing her emotional issues and not being able to protect her, not being able to fulfill the needs she had. Bearing witness to her loss. We were so close/ so happy, yet I was so entrenched and intertwined in her needs that is was hard for me to pursue my own goals without considering her reaction and embracing her dreams. By pursuing medicine/university, I was pursuing her dreams and giving her bragging rights. That strive for perfection is deeply ingrained.
My first big “rebellion” was falling in love with J____. This spiralled her out of control. It was obvious that alcohol helped her cope with the stress that I caused.
So in moments of stress now, I go back to those moments of feeling like a failure and unable to fulfill the desires and hopes that mom had for me.
“I am an old tree with withered leaves which keep hanging and can’t fall to the ground. And a breeze from the sea makes all the receipts rustle.” – Tomas Tranströmer