This daily archiving series is about organizing and dating my journal collection, as well as acknowledging the self-directed violence as important therapeutic shadow work.
During this journal, I was maintaining the veneer of a happy marriage, but struggling behind the scenes with events that threatened the nest. I was accused of having “too high standards.”
What hurts the most in all these pages is my inability to maintain healthy friendships. My issues with my mother and my husband had me pulled thin in two seemingly opposing directions, though looking back, they were very similar people. I had no ability to make the two of them deal with each other instead of using me as buffer.
In a need for control and a need to express anger, I was a terrible friend, expressing unnecessary bitterness and misdirected anger in my letters. And their letters back to me are understandably filled with hurt and confusion.
My boundaries were rice paper thin. Today, I forgive myself. And send out an apology to all those I have hurt.
See previous samples:
Today: Journal start date July 15, 1997
July 25, 1997
Dream upon me, the theatre of the soul.
July 29, 1997
Sitting at the pool in Grand Pacific Hotel in Victoria. The kids are in the pool confronting some other kid about something or other… Seems they are resolving the conflict OK. Dropped Anna’s bestie off after our three days together. It is exhausting for Anna to be “on” all the time. J_____ is at the TV station. He was in a serious mood today and I always try to figure out what I can do to get him to feel better. But I should give myself a break and allow him his emotion. He and I tend too much to want each other to be HAPPY all the time.
“as the spirit wanes the form appears.” – Charles Bukowski